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June 11th, 2007:  

School in Session

Well, it has taken me some time, but I think I am finally going to do something with my life. Looks like I am heading back to school to work on my Psychology degree. The reason is two fold; I want to help others, but by learning this, I can help myself. I have been on an emotional-downward slide of late, feeling horrid about myself, my life, and that I have nothing to live for.

Because I have done some work for my friend the shrink already, she feels she can get me up to 2 years credit toward my B.A. This will help me a great deal, and speed my way to some self esteem.

Right now, I have nothing in my life. I hardly see any of my RL friends, those who I am able to see don't seem that interested in seeing me save one. I have no girlfriend, though there is one I would like to date, but because of distance and no car, it's not likely to happen any time soon. I have no drive to do anything on my days off because I am too damn tired and worn out feeling, that's the depression talking. So this schooling, if a go and successful, will be a massive boost to my pride, as well as some insight to my life.

Don't wish me luck or anything yet, as I have not even made up my mind fully yet. When I do start, then wish me luck, because anything before that will just jinx me and sway my drive.

April 6th, 2007:  

F*cking Tired...

Well, as some of you might have noticed by now, I have not been updating all that much of late...  Matter of fact, my updates have been ZERO.  I have had next to no desire to draw, though I have had a push to ink, so I have been inking some of my older pencils. 
I have been prepping for my North American Fur contribution.  North American Fur, or NAF for short, is a quality fan-zine based out of the Greater Seattle area, published twice a year, and sells for $15 per.  A fine value I think considering how thick it is. The last one was a little small, being only 166 pages, but it contains some rather talented artists.  Some of these artist are:  Flitners, Roy D. Pounds II , JW Kennedy.  There are more, but these are the ones I know have an FA account.

All I need to do now is get some sleep, get up and collate my trib, then pass out for the night.  It's due tomorrow, May 1st, (the same time as taxes are due up here in Canada...)

I hope I do get some sleep though, as I have been having trouble getting my rest on my days off, especially since I am going from graveyard shift, getting off at 8am (for the end of my work week) back to the afternoon shift, getting off at midnight (to start my work week).

I have given up most of my distractions that would keep me form my art, and I am done with doing other peoples taxes now that the file date is here, so I should be able to start getting caught up on my art and comic, such as Do The BearCat.   Between AEBL and myself, we have 3 partial chapters on the go right now, and just need to finish them off, including our first cross over.  So I just have to get my shit together and finish off the last 4 pages of Chapter 3 so we can get on with the rest of the comic.  But as I said, with no more World of WarCraft, no more taxes, and with me finally setting in nicely with my job, I will be able to start dedicating my off time to drawing again.  I hope.

I don't know what it is, but I just seem to go into down and out funk-moments where I just don't want to draw or do anything artistic.  The depression just get to me and kills any artistic- ness I had going.  Oh well, I have not given up completely and that's the most important part.  I think I will up load some more UnHappy Valentine's soon as well, as well as I think that's where I will start with when I pick up my pencil once more. I rather enjoy working on my comics as I feel that when I am constantly on the comic art, I push myself to develop my technique more, even if it does not always look it.

Anyways, this is not sleeping, and I need to sleep if I am to keep my depression at bay. Also, my mother comes home sometime in the next 36 hours, so I should get some cleaning done upstairs where she lives so it looks nice for when she gets home.

April 5th, 2007:  

The Future

I need to think about my future. I need to figure out what to do with my life because as things are now, I am not happy, and I am sure that the pursuit of happiness is in the constitution somewhere... I need to get happy because as it is now, I am going to turn into the grumpy bastard no one wants around.

So what to do with myself and my future. Well, I was thinking of putting the money I am making into getting a car, then toughing it out for a while, go to part time, and take some schooling also part time. Work where I am is doable for now, but I am on the look out for a new job, though I think I will keep this one, working it part time while working another job or set of little jobs, though I think I will do worry about that come September, if I am still there.

For now, I think I will work the summer, get some funds put a side, get the car I so badly want. What do I want form a car, just something in expensive, something that is fuel efficient, and something that is reliable. How reliable? Well I was hoping to drive from here to a few conventions, like in California or in Chicago if I wanted too. I would like to get a driving job eventually, I have even been thinking of learning to drive a tow truck as a lot of places are short on tow trucks, especially the HEAVY tow trucks.

I am also thinking of doing what my friend John does, which is learn to drive a semi truck and deliver cargo. Probably not for me, but then I could take that and go into driving the big semi tow trucks. Or I could just do car related jobs during the week. I would love to do lot move jobs, where I would drive one car from one dealership to another. Drive out, see a bit of the world if they need to go any real distances. Back in the 90s is when I first heard about this... but because of a stupid mistake, a rash move in trying to come to a friend’s rescue, I crashed a car on my learners. I gave up trying to get a driver’s license for almost 7 years... Oh well, now I need to go one more year form just before this Canada Day and I will be fully licensed instead of this stupid, cash-grab, intermediate license.

I would love to do some driving. Back when I first had my learners, I used to love going for drives and getting away form it all. I think I would make a good driver, especially now that I am more cautious on the road and more matured in my age. I would love to travel the highways for a while, learning the roads and how to work them. I love to travel and see the world, I would love to get paid for it. It’s a thought.

Another thought I have is to just stay put, work here year after year, preferably part time once I get some other classes into me. I would like to take some art classes, but lets face it, I don’t think I will ever make it THAT long as its like freaking day care for whiney adults. (My friend the shrink said, “welcome to my world” upon hearing how my goes...) If this is the case, maybe I should study to become a shrink as well. :P

Ultimately I should get my own place, moving once and for all out of my parents home and into my own. I want to do that soon because at this rate, I am about to go insane. My father is mentally ill, but well enough to pass for normal. He has reverted to the mindset of a 12 year old it seems, gimme gimme gimme at times, and the other how he is ‘suffering’ in how he takes care of my brother and I. He buys everything in the store, often perishable food that HE wants, he can’t eat it all and my brother and I can’t eat that much, so it goes bad and gets tossed. Oh, and it’s OUR faults, not his because of this. He know I buy my own food for my lunches, but he keep buying sandwich meat for me. I don’t take sandwiches unless I have to, as half the week or more, I have a microwave I can use. The other day, he says he buys ‘vegetables’ because he knows how I like to have a balanced meal, or try to... He buys ONE carrot (of which there is still a bag of in the fridge) and a small half bundle of green onions... (which only he likes, and has not touched...) Freaking day care at work, and at home.

So actually, I would like some advice. What should I do with my life. Schooling, different work? What type of car should I look into? I would love some insight on what to do because I am just frustrated and flustered... and tired. So now I sleep.

April 5th, 2007:  

It's not the job...'s the co-workers.  What a pool of slime some of them be...

I am far from perfect, but even I am better than these people, at least morally.  The problem is, starting to think like that is not all that healthy nor wise, as I don't want to become just as hateful as them.

It's is amazing how fast people there turn on one another when things get hectic, or so it seems to me.  Today, I was slow trying to keep up with everyone, because it became so very busy and I was not able to keep up as well as I should have, but then I am slow, I have always been slow, I always will be slow, and when things come at me constantly, I get flustered. I was having to do more and more, stuff that was not my job at that time of day, because the other person was busy, so from now on, fuck it, no, I am not doing her part too. I finally got some relief form this as we had a short black out. I was never so fucking happy for a power failure in my life!

Up to that point, I was being pushed, badgered, pestered and yelled at. So when EVERYTHING (Computers, GPS, Radio, Phones) all went down, I nearly cried with joy, because just 10 seconds before that I was getting to the point where I was going to yell at them and tell them all to fuck off and die! I was ready to walk out and tell them all to go to Hell and how to get there. If that power outage had not come when it had, I just might have.

Yesterday, we were all laughs and smiles in the office, same with the start of today's shift, then one hour in, all hell breaks loose and I start getting yelled at and pushed and prodded. Fuck it, I hate it. I think I will push sooner than later for part time. I will work the summer for now though, or at least the next 2 or 3 months at full time then go to just weekends so I can get away from this hell of anger and frustration.

I don't think these people are bad per se, but are just over worked and stressed out, and the people who are the worse there for attitude and bitchiness are the women. I know this is going to make me sound sexist, but at this place of work, the women are fucking nuts and are going off the deep-end! Women are crazy, and each one of them bitch about the other when their backs are turn, way worse than the men. When men rat each other out, it does not seem personal, its more like a 'warning' or 'I'm better than this guy so side with me' type thing; when women turn on each other, it comes off as VERY personal and VERY hypocritical.

So I work along side a hypocrite, dispatching a squad of half racists. Oh, right, I have not mentioned the racism in the office. We all hate dealing with people who we call ESL (English as a Second Language) because 1) it takes FOR-FUCKING-EVER to get the info you need and when you are in a rush, that really sucks, and 2) they just can't understand what it is you need to tell them, even if you tell them a million times (and sometimes they don't want to).

Does not help that people in my office are fucking racist. I hate DEALING with rich, arrogant Asians who can't understand that a Police Call is more important than them, and if they would stop yelling at me long enough, they would know the truck I sent them is down stairs and they should go meet it. I hate DEALING with that, not the people who are acting like that. My coworkers use racial slurs instead, about how those fucking, well you get the idea. Chinese, Koreans, Hindus, etc... all disliked or hated in one form or another by I would say, a good half of the staff here. Another driver I have told me, when I asked him to go to get me a burger, that I should not worry, he would not 'Jew me' on the change.

WTF?! Holy shit. I mean, I am probably going to quit this job at this rate because I don't like this type of shit. This is the type of stuff that pisses me off. I have been told I should not count happiness as a prerequisite for work, but holy shit, this is getting to me fast! The first 2 to 3 weeks, I was coming home in tears almost because of anxiety, trying to say that this was too much stress for me. I am handling it about as well as I am going to at this point, so I am not having the constant anxiety attacks nor the chest pains that come with... Now? Now I am coming home and I am just infuriated, and going on like a raving lunatic on my journal here because I REALLY need to fucking vent!

I keep thinking about the future though and what I am going to do with my life. I think about how I am probably not going to have a job that pays this well again, not with out some post secondary, or going into a shittier situation. By putting up with this shit for a couple more months, I should be able to afford to get myself a decent, little, fuel efficient car and be able to insure it. Then I can quit that place, or go part time and just work weekends when I don't see these people, and then start looking for a better job.

I have got to keep telling myself, it is day by day, hour by hour, just get the job done, come home, rinse and repeat. But I have gone from being sad and miserable to angry and frustrated. I should go look for new job, but I don't think I can do better than this, not and be able to start doing anything important enough with my life to get me some personal freedom and happiness.. hell, I would settle for my own postal code at this point.

I am tired now. I am going to go to bed before I get any more upset. The only bright side for today is I finally started doing some art... Nothing like a dead line to push me forwards. My North American Fur trib is due in about a month.

April 1st, 2007:  

Holiday Times...

Today was April Fool's Day...  Fortunately, I slept for most of it as I got off my 12 hour shift and went right to bed.  What I briefly saw today meant as 'jokes' for some of the sites I have visited did not impress me nor make me laugh, most of them sort of had me choked.  Oh well, its how things go I guess.  I just wish there were more funny jokes rather than things about rants and the pop up of one of the fandom's biggest slime balls.

Heh, I found out that Cub Central had a joke going them selves, where they were going to an 4-Chan like set up for the day, calling it CubCan instead.  So, being the curious SOB I am, I took a peak.  What I found there?  Overwhelming complains and Sibe posting several pages of Softpaw to that temporary board.  Hahahahhahahaha!  Two forces half the fandom seem to hate, going at each other...  I feel sorry for the Cub Fur people now... :P  I took another peak just now, and CubChan is back to being Cub Central. Back when we had CUB-GATE on FA (back in Oct/Nov), I would have thought that all the cub artists would have gone to Cub Central to post their art...  Oh well, who cares, moving on.

Today was more important than who can be the biggest jack ass, and who can out 'fake' the other...  Today was also Palm Sunday, the beginning of one of the most HOLIEST times in the Christian Calendar for those of us who have a tie to that religious.  Now, I am the first to admit, I am not as strong in my faith as I once was, but on the other hand, I will defend almost anyone to the bitter end their right to have this faith and celebrate the death of our Saviour so that way we might all have a chance at an eternal afterlife of bliss.  Next Friday is Good Friday, and he following Monday is Easter...  Tiding of joy for all.

I am not anti religious in my own faith, I pretty much keep it to myself.  I don't go pushing it down people's throats, I don't go telling people that they have to convert or die.  To each their own.  I have my way of life, that I sort of neglect half the time, and you have yours, right?  Live and let live.  But today being a religious holiday, I thought I should say my bit.  (And though I don't say this often...) God Bless you all!

March 27th, 2007:  

Ouch and Blah

I put a nail through my foot. I am fine for now, but I am in a bit of pain.  I have not been sleeping much either so I am dead tired too.  Oh, and today was to be my day off, but I have to go in to work now to cover for a co-worker.  I am doing it because she has to take her kid in for day-surgery at the hospital. I just managed to swallow a bowl of soup.. home made chicken veggie...  I am still off my food on work days.

Anxiety sucks.  I am going to talk to my boss about putting me to part time only, if he does not go for it, I am prepared to leave the company, maybe... As it is now, I am going to be starting to look for a new job once I get off tonight, because I am just not happy here. 
People were telling me I was down and depressed when I was unemployed, but right now, I feel even worse, as now I have anxiety and despair on top of it. I am hoping that only working part time will help remove this anxiety and added despair I feel in my life.  Right now, it has gotten so bad, that I have stopped drawing, even to the point of putting DTBC on hold until further notice.

I am just not drawing, I get home, I am near dead tired, all I want to do is long on, check for a few friends to talk to, then ooze into bed and pray I wake up not feeling like I have been run over by a freight train, but then I was having that problem before I started this job.  My days off are not any better, as I want to spend 12 hours sleeping as I am so damn dead tired, so I am not even drawing then.  Oh well. I will give this another month, then I will decide to quit or go part time, or what ever.  But if I can find a calmer job, a less stressful environment, so I can feel good about earning money, but not crappy about things around me.

Well, I have to leave to catch a bus in 15 mins., so I am out of here.  I will chill for now, let out a tongue curling yawn, and hobble my way to the bus stop. So see you all on the flipped side I guess.

March 8th, 2007:  

Money... Is it Over Rated?

Ever think money is over rated?  I do.  I wish we all lived in a world where money was not as important as it is right now.  Seems like most people will work themselves to death for money, as it seems to be the case at my current place of employment.  I have to start looking for a new job as I really don't think I can survive there for very long.  I am going to try to hold out for 3 months, but really, I will be surprised if I make it to mid April.

I am just slow, and with my added dyslexia, it makes it hard for me to get everything down on time and in order, so I get back log quickly.  I was still catching up on my paper work 3 hours after the rush, then I fucked over one of the drivers at the end of the day costing him a chunk of change.  I am going to have to make it up to him for the next shift.

The pace at work is just too much for me, I think.  I need something easier, simpler, something with less stress, because as many of you all know, I don't actually handle stress well. I am bad for letting it over whelm me.  Silly me, I know.  When I am away, I have my moment of wanting to break down, but after a little talk, or a little typing rant, I feel better.

I need work though, because if I can't keep a job, then I am going to have to go on social assistance for the third time in my life, and I am afraid, if that happens, then I am going to be on it for good, and that's going to lower my status I feel, at least in my mind, to a second class citizen.  So I think the best option is to start looking for other work, then quit as soon as I find it.

So, any ideas for someone who finds looking for work to be almost as hard as passing through solid object?  I am thinking of going back to janitorial, because lets face it, pushing a mop is easy, and there usually is not someone trying to make you feel bad if you don't do a 100% job.  Or maybe security, as a night watchman, where I just have to do the rounds once an hour, making sure the place does not burn down and all the doors are locked. *sigh*

Maybe I just need a place to vent, since I am not getting any art done and all my friends are not around when I am awake, save my friend the shrink who I can call at 1pm. I am feeling better for whining here at least.

Still no art drawn up in the past 2 weeks. I am still trying to finish my 100watches (for my FA account) picture for the randomly selected winner.  I have it mostly finished, but still need to colour.  No DTBC attempts lately either, so I don't know when the next update will come.  And I have a million requests for art, because when I am feeling good, I do free art occasionally when I feel inspired.  I think about a quarter of the art done in 2006 was free art done for others when I felt inspired.

So once I start calming down, I am going to try to get back into the swing of things because I have been spending the first 4 hours after work winding down, then I go to bed, only to get up and go back to work.  Oh well. Maybe next week.

March 6th, 2007:  

Calmer, Saner, and Breathing...

I wish to apologize.  I have been freaking out of late because I have been letting my fears get to me.  I have been letting them get to me to badly that I have not eaten in over 3 days.  Not that is much of an issue since I am fat....  And add in that I have not been sleeping much or well for a long time, and you have the perfect conditions for a nervous breakdown.

I think I am doing better now, for the most part, though I have picked up this evil flu bug form work that is just killing me.  And I am out of tranquillizers so I will have to go in for more tomorrow, not that they do much for me, but right now, I will take every bit of help I can get.

I am still not 100%, heavens, no, but I am feeling better.  I SEVERELY over reacted and almost crashed and burned before even taking off.  Finding work and keeping work have always been really, very hard for me, so much so that I have begun building up a psychological block to work.  I don't work well with people around me, hovering over me because of crowd anxiety (thought that is diminishing).  I don't always work well alone either, but I can, and that is preferred to working as part of a large group sometimes.  Working in the 'buddy' system, with someone watching my back.  I have been told I am smart and have an above average IQ, but I am slow, and with my added dyslexia issues and attention problems, it makes work hard for me as well.  And then there is the self esteem issues, and constant nagging doubts at the back of my head and well, I could probably go on, but I won't.

Despite it all, it seems I have employment again and at an above decent wage.  All I have to do now is keep doing what I have been doing during this week of training, minus the panic, fear, dread, self doubt, anxiety, sleeplessness, and so on...  Just do the job and go home.  Get the pay cheque and feel good about myself...  That's all I have to do.  Sounds easy right?

The problem with irrational fears is that they really mess you up.  Sometimes you start thinking stuff you should not and that can lead to dark places.  But I did it, I think.  I tentatively have a new job for now, and that means I will be having some money to spend on things that make life worth living and the bullshit worth wading through.  The problem is, with my goofy hours, I will not be getting much art done.  That means probably no Do The BearCat updates until the end of the month or maybe even next month.

Right now, I also have the flu.  I feel like shit physically to go with my mentally of the past week or so.  I have not eaten in 3 days, but that's okay, because I am fat and can stand to lose a few.  I have been drinking though, lots of water, and some juice, coffee, soda pops... oh, and green tea, which is good.  About the only thing I have tried to eat, beside some TUMS is some POCKY.  I think, now that I am calming down, I will try to eat something once I get some sleep.

Sleep is the next thing on my to do list as I have not been getting much of it lately.  When I have been lately, its been almost all night terrors; funerals, darkness, drowning, begins set on fire, then dowsed in blood...  And they are vivid too, I can some times feel the dream over my skin.  But with this job comes EXTENDED MEDICAL, so I can go see a shrink about my problems once a week or maybe every other week so I can help hammer myself out.  She has already been helping me out for free and with out her help, I would have probably killed myself long ago, or ended up a useless shell of a man, living off of welfare with no hope of ever getting anything with my life.  I owe my life and a huge thanks to Mychael... (yeah, that's her name).

I think before I go to be though, I will bathe...  I have not done that in a few days either...  Not something I normally do except when I am extremely depressed.

Good night everyone and I WILL see you all around!

March 3rd, 2007:  

Day Five, Here We Go...

I have to leave for work in one hour for my 5th training shift. I don't know if I can handle it any more. The job is easy enough, but I am becoming so sick from just thinking of it.

I have a disabling phobia; I have fear of work to the point where I am now in tears, with an upset stomach because I can't bring myself to eat, and I have the shakes all over. I just got off the phone with my doctor, a local head-shrink, and we are going to take an evaluation in 3 months. If I am still like this in 3 months time, then I am probably unemployable or look for a baby-easy job to do.

I am not lazy though. I love to volunteer, but I have not done much lately in the volunteering department. I used to feed the poor and clean up after them from spring of 2005 to early 2006, down at the Salvation Army. I gripped about it some, but it was fun, because I had nice people to work with, even if the person above me was not so nice.

I need to relax, I need to get over myself. I need to hide and swallow my terror that keeps me up at night and wrecks havoc on my body. Breath, Michael, breath... because right now, if this does not work out, then I am worthless, and will probably end up living my senior years out on the streets. Heh, thank goodness I don't know where the bullets are, right? (yeah, I know, bad joke, horrid taste...)

I Love FA!

I thought before I leave for work, I would focus on the positives in my life.  Right now, this is the only one I can see right now.  I love Fur Affinity!

FA is great. I can post my art, as good or as bad as it is, and gain comments, most of them good, some of them not so good, but they fill me with hope.  I need hope right now because I feel as if I am falling apart with out it.

It's no secret, I hate myself, I hate half my art, and I am currently an emotional wreck.  I have not done this much sharing of my whininess in years.  I have been keeping a lot of it to myself for the past 2 or 3 years rather than boring people with my problems.

But I love this site.  I can post my art, and I know people like it.  I know that there is something about me worth liking then.  I have one person out in the real world who constantly tries to tell me that I am A-Number-1, but after a while if its just one person tell you that over and over again, you tend to start... well, thinking she is just saying that to be nice or its like looking to a broken record that keeps skipping over the same place again and again.

I logged in tonight to see 3 new favourites, and 5 more comments, most of which was on art.  This helps.  This is needed.  Thank you.  I feel a bit better about myself as I get ready to run out the door.

March 2nd, 2007:  

Day Three...

Well, each day seems to be better than the last.  I guess I just worry too much and need to relax a lot more.  (Yes, I know you told me so to those who did tell me so...)  I still almost quit in the middle of the shift when the two fems I worked with when all Mrs. Hide on me, completely going into Bitchzilla mode.  One started throwing the phone receiver around and both of them where yelling and screaming and threatening... fuck, scared the crap out of me because its a tiny office.

I will tell you one thing, if that's the type of environment I have to work with on a semi regular basis, I am going to quit.  I am not going to be there if I have to worry about someone having a tantrum over some stupid caller or an idiot tow driver.

Some VERY good news though it looks like if they are going to hire me on, because right now I am still in trainee mode, I will be working the two graveyard shifts, which means I will only work 2 weekday afternoons.  That will be a blessing!  And I am going to try to get them to hire on one more person because right now, they don't have enough staff to cover any one in case of illness or if someone wants a vacation.  Half the staff half the mini flu bug already, and if I do get just the 2 shifts, that will be 20 to 24 hours per week, which is 40 to 48 hours per pay cheque, which at this pay rate, would be enough to live off of if I don't have to worry about anything breaking down on me.

I have 2 more shifts now to go in for, more training shifts.  I have to be back at work for midnight tonight for an 8 hour shift, then back at 8pm on Saturday for a 12 hour shift.  Fingers crossed.

March 1st, 2007:  

Two Down, One to Go!

Well, I am down another day, and I have made another $100. And now I am home, and in from the snow, cuddled up with a warm cup of my home made chicken-veggy soup. I feel better about today than I did yesterday, but I still had my moments. I am slow, I have a bit of trouble making out what everyone says. But that's okay, I will get it eventually.

One really big thing that got me hopeful is the chance to move to Graveyard. I would work Friday and Saturday Midnights. I love working Graveyards, I just hate the mornings part of it, but hey, its 7 hours of light work and 1 hour of heavy, vs. 6 hours of heavy and 2 to 6 hours of light... maybe.

Tonight was heavier after midnight because of the snow. We had 7 recoveries of cars that just went off the road because no fucking moron seems to understand how to drive in winter weather. I swear to GOD, I want to pull over every damn speeder who drives on snowy/icy road and smack them upside the head with a frozen fish. I am a firm believer in Acts of Cod!

But still, I worry. And I worry too much... I am slow, and I know I am slow. Its like I am see and do things at about 80% to 90% the speed that normal people do things. I have been told I have an above average IQ, but I am slow. Frustrating is and understatement.

February 28th, 2007:  

One Down...

Day one down, so far so go, but damn was it confusing for the first 5 hours. The woman who was jokingly told that she was the 'afternoon manager' because she had been there so long, let it go to her head. So instead of learning form the guy I should have been learning form, she kept pulling me a side to show me trivial stuff, or want to gab gab gab... Oh well. Two more training days to go, then I find out if I have the job or not.

I admit it, I felt the anxiety for half the day. I was so stressed feeling, as well as add in getting up early, that I was nodding off for half the day. But for the last 2 hours, when the night guy came on, I started to feel better, because the night guy is not uptight, anal, or too serious about the job.

No, I probably have a part of me that does not want to work. I am constantly hearing a voice inside me telling me that I am not good enough, I am not fast enough, I am mixing things up... I am slow to write things down, I can't always make thing out; I can hear a pin drop, but it's difficult for me to understand what people say. I am so damn self conscious too. I so want to hold off from going on to welfare because that's for 'challenged' people, but in many ways, I feel as if I am a challenged person...

Oh fuck it, I just need to get over myself. I am going to bed. Fuck off bad thoughts...

One things though, this will put a severe damper on my drawing times, so Do The BearCat will be on slow down.  I might even move the update days to Fridays instead to make up for the days I work. Oh, and I am cancelling all of the conventions for the rest of the year too.

February 27th, 2007:  


Well, I think I might be hired.  They are having me come in for 3 nights of training, from 6pm to 2pm tonight, tomorrow, and Thursday.  The nights they would want me to work would be Friday through to Monday at various shifts, but they are not sure if they will have me work them yet this week.  One step at a time

I admit it, I feel the anxiety. I am doing what I can not to think about failure or self destructing, but it's still there in the back of my head. *SIGH* (Breath, Michael, breath...)  I should probably get a nap today because I got up early to make sure I would get the phone call.

I will be working at Mundie's Towing in Burnaby, which is just up the hill and around the corner form me; one bus that comes ever 10 to 12 mins during the day, and every half hour at night, all night long. So even if I get off at 4am, I could still get home. Also, its almost all down hill form here for me, so I can walk home if I had to in probably an hour to 90mins. And I won't be alone on the job, I will be working in tandem with a partner, so I will have someone to fall back on if the phone rings off the hook like mad, and vice versa.

So wish me luck all. I am currently scare shitless, but hopeful, so I am going to take a nap so I make it through the night.

February 26th, 2007:  

Panic Attack! Anxiety to the Max!

I am having a MASSIVE anxiety attack right now!  It’s so bad, I had to run to the toilet to keep from shitting myself!  My heart is racing and my chest is tight and I can’t seem to stop yawning;  I am gasping for air!

What could have me so worked up?  What could be so terrifying that it has me on the brink of tears?  I have a job interview...  Today at 2 O’clock in the afternoon...

Right now, I am just trying to calm my nerves, shaking out the fear and dread that seem to plague me at this moment.  After all, its only a job interview...  I can do this...  I know I can...  So why do I want to run and cower under my bed?

My friend the shrink seems to think that I don’t want to work.  She might be right given my emotional response.  Is there such a thing as fear of work?  The thing is, I can work and have, putting in an honest effort in most cases, but always with a nagging voice whispering to me from the back of my head. I have done so much volunteer work too, or at least I used to, but that voice was never there then.  I would offer my services constantly for what ever, doing the job for free because it felt good to do so, but when it came time to earn money, I seem to lock up and get the shakes.

A few years ago, when I lost my job through no fault of my own, I nearly fell a part, but towards the end there, I was feeling pretty damn desperate too.  Every time the phone rang at work, I was jittery, but then that day was the worst day for that job.  The only driver I had to co-ordinate was the boss, and he hated everyone and everything they did, so no matter what I did, it was wrong.  Add to that, I had a drunk calling up ever 5 minutes threatening me and harassing me, so much so that I ended up calling the RCMP in to deal with him.  That was my last day of work at that job, I knew it coming into that day, but what a way to go out.  But as bad as that was, that is still better than most of my job experiences.

I have never had a good job, or if I did, I have never had a good job for long.  I have only had once kind boss, the rest were over stressed with more than just a rod up their butts.  One of the nicer jobs I had, and I think this was just because of the money, and this was more of a temporary positioning, was working the Pride Rave in Down Town Vancouver, for 2001.  Everyone in the security company it seems was a homophobe, so they gave the job to me for three and a quarter times the normal going rate, holiday long weekend too, so I got holiday pay for the third night of three I was working there.  I made more in those 24 hours worth of shifts than I had the previous month!  The problem was it took me almost four months to collect it all.  Lousy bastards.

Then there was the time where I was threatened with my job for doing my job.  I was working security down on the docks, screening passengers boarding the ships to Alaska.  Someone tried blowing past the last security check point, which was me, so I had to stop him and prevent him form boarding the ship.  Turns out he was with the company that owns the ship, but with no ID and no hello, he just charged in thinking he owned the place.  So my days where numbered.  My supervisor told me it was just a matter of time because they couldn’t legally fire me for that, but he also told me that any screw up and I was out the door.  Well, a screw up happened.  Someone signed me out when I was not, I got trapped in a secured area, that delayed the ship for 15 mins, and as such, all the longshoremen got to be paid double time and a half for a full hour for this mistake.  And because it was me who was the one that ‘caused’ this, I was fired.  To make matters worse, they didn’t tell me I was fired.  So I go off on vacation to Texas, thinking that I had a job to come back to, so why not spend a few more dollars...  Those cowards couldn’t fire me to my face...  I had to find out by showing up and being told I was not welcome there any more.  How embarrassing.

So yeah, I guess I do hate working, but only because the only person who has a right to treat me like shit is me.  And trust me, I do that a lot!  Too much, really. I need to learn to chill out more.

I have a job interview for Mundie's Towing  at 2 O’clock today.  To be honest, I don’t care, at this point if I get the job or not, I will just be happy to make it through the interview without making a complete ass of myself.  Of my greatest fears, the job interview is the worst for me!  I have to sit there and be rated.  How can I sit there and tell there I am this good so you should hire me when I think I am a terrible person who has low self esteem and has had thoughts of ending his own life because I am worthless... *GASP*

Breath, Michael... breath.  Sigh, I just... need to get through this, and take it form there.  One step at a time.


Okay... I did it.  I made it through and they seem to like me.  Hurrah.  And they seem to like me, for some reason.  Heh.  So, they are going to short list me, and give me a call tomorrow about doing some training.  So I REALLY hope I get a good night's sleep!  And it's a good wage too, a lot better than my previous jobs.  Oh how I pray to God I don't fuck this up.

February 24th, 2007:  

Panic Attack! Anxiety to the Max!

I am having a MASSIVE anxiety attack right now! It’s so bad, I had to run to the toilet to keep from shitting myself! My heart is racing and my chest is tight and I can’t seem to stop yawning; I am gasping for air!

What could have me so worked up? What could be so terrifying that it has me on the brink of tears? I have a job interview... Today at 2 O’clock in the afternoon...

Right now, I am just trying to calm my nerves, shaking out the fear and dread that seem to plague me at this moment. After all, its only a job interview... I can do this... I know I can... So why do I want to run and cower under my bed?

My friend the shrink seems to think that I don’t want to work. She might be right given my emotional response. Is there such a thing as fear of work? The thing is, I can work and have, putting in an honest effort in most cases, but always with a nagging voice whispering to me from the back of my head. I have done so much volunteer work too, or at least I used to, but that voice was never there then. I would offer my services constantly for what ever, doing the job for free because it felt good to do so, but when it came time to earn money, I seem to lock up and get the shakes.

A few years ago, when I lost my job through no fault of my own, I nearly fell a part, but towards the end there, I was feeling pretty damn desperate too. Everytime the phone rang at work, I was jittery, but then that day was the worst day for that job. The only driver I had to co-ordinate was the boss, and he hated everyone and everything they did, so no matter what I did, it was wrong. Add to that, I had a drunk calling up ever 5 minutes threatening me and harassing me, so much so that I ended up calling the RCMP in to deal with him. That was my last day of work at that job, I knew it coming into that day, but what a way to go out. But as bad as that was, that is still better than most of my job experiences.

I have never had a good job, or if I did, I have never had a good job for long. I have only had once kind boss, the rest were over stressed with more than just a rod up their butts. One of the nicer jobs I had, and I think this was just because of the money, and this was more of a temporary positioning, was working the Pride Rave in Down Town Vancouver, for 2001. Everyone in the security company it seems was a homophobe, so they gave the job to me for three and a quarter times the normal going rate, holiday long weekend too, so I got holiday pay for the third night of three I was working there. I made more in those 24 hours worth of shifts than I had the previous month! The problem was it took me almost four months to collect it all. Lousy bastards.

Then there was the time where I was threatened with my job for doing my job. I was working security down on the docks, screening passengers boarding the ships to Alaska. Someone tried blowing past the last security check point, which was me, so I had to stop him and prevent him form boarding the ship. Turns out he was with the company that owns the ship, but with no ID and no hello, he just charged in thinking he owned the place. So my days where numbered. My supervisor told me it was just a matter of time because they couldn’t legally fire me for that, but he also told me that any screw up and I was out the door. Well, a screw up happened. Someone signed me out when I was not, I got trapped in a secured area, that delayed the ship for 15 mins, and as such, all the longshoremen got to be paid double time and a half for a full hour for this mistake. And because it was me who was the one that ‘caused’ this, I was fired. To make matters worse, they didn’t tell me I was fired. So I go off on vacation to Texas, thinking that I had a job to come back to, so why not spend a few more dollars... Those cowards couldn’t fire me to my face... I had to find out by showing up and being told I was not welcome there any more. How embarrassing.

So yeah, I guess I do hate working, but only because the only person who has a right to treat me like shit is me. And trust me, I do that a lot! Too much, really. I need to learn to chill out more.

I have a job interview for Mundy’s towing at 2 O’clock today. To be honest, I don’t care, at this point if I get the job or not, I will just be happy to make it through the interview without making a complete ass of myself. Of my greatest fears, the job interview is the worst for me! I have to sit there and be rated. How can I sit there and tell there I am this good so you should hire me when I think I am a terrible person who has low self esteem and has had thoughts of ending his own life because I am worthless... *GASP*

Breath, Michael... breath. Sigh, I just... need to get through this, and take it form there. One step at a time.

February 19th, 2007:  

I have just been doing some pruning, going through my ICQ and MSM contacts and deleting about 20 to 30 who I have never talked to, don’t recognize, or just don’t remember. Chances are, if I have not talked to you in the past few months, be it on line, real life, or face to face, you have been deleted. I have also deleted a few names I found to be offensive form my MSM... Frith! I hate how people change their names ever other day on that thing then snivel because I don’t recognize them.

When it comes to Instant Messages, I am not the best at starting a conversation. I am often lurking, if I am at my computer at all. Sometimes I will say hello, but often, I will just sit here, doing my own thing. On rare occasion, I will say hello first, especially if you are someone I know well, as I have esteem issues and often, I feel that I am just being a pest if I say hello. I really need to work on that...

New Do The BearCat today as well!  We are getting close to the end of this chapter!

February 15th, 2007:  

Just some Valentine's material I found a few years back on the web that I share with you at these wee hours of the morning after...

Valentines Day History

There are varying opinions as to the origin of Valentine's Day. Some experts state that it originated from St. Valentine, a Roman who was martyred for refusing to give up Christianity. He died on February 14, 269 A.D., the same day that had been devoted to love lotteries. Legend also says that St. Valentine left a farewell note for the jailer's daughter, who had become his friend, and signed it "From Your Valentine". Other aspects of the story say that Saint Valentine served as a priest at the temple during the reign of Emperor Claudius. Claudius then had Valentine jailed for defying him. In 496 A.D. Pope Gelasius set aside February 14 to honour St. Valentine.

Gradually, February 14 became the date for exchanging love messages and St. Valentine became the patron saint of lovers. The date was marked by sending poems and simple gifts such as flowers. There was often a social gathering or a ball.

In the United States, Miss Esther Howland is given credit for sending the first valentine cards. Commercial valentines were introduced in the 1800's and now the date is very commercialized. The town of Loveland, Colorado, does a large post office business around February 14. The spirit of good continues as valentines are sent out with sentimental verses and children exchange valentine cards at school.


The History of Saint Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day started in the time of the Roman Empire. In ancient Rome, February 14th was a holiday to honour Juno. Juno was the Queen of the Roman Gods and Goddesses. The Romans also knew her as the Goddess of women and marriage. The following day, February 15th, began the Feast of Lupercalia.

The lives of young boys and girls were strictly separate. However, one of the customs of the young people was name drawing. On the eve of the festival of Lupercalia the names of Roman girls were written on slips of paper and placed into jars. Each young man would draw a girl's name from the jar and would then be partners for the duration of the festival with the girl whom he chose. Sometimes the pairing of the children lasted an entire year, and often, they would fall in love and would later marry.

Under the rule of Emperor Claudius II Rome was involved in many bloody and unpopular campaigns. Claudius the Cruel was having a difficult time getting soldiers to join his military leagues. He believed that the reason was that roman men did not want to leave their loves or families. As a result, Claudius cancelled all marriages and engagements in Rome. The good Saint Valentine was a priest at Rome in the days of Claudius II. He and Saint Marius aided the Christian martyrs and secretly married couples, and for this kind deed Saint Valentine was apprehended and dragged before the Prefect of Rome, who condemned him to be beaten to death with clubs and to have his head cut off. He suffered martyrdom on the 14th day of February, about the year 270. At that time it was the custom in Rome, a very ancient custom, indeed, to celebrate in the month of February the Lupercalia, feasts in honour of a heathen god. On these occasions, amidst a variety of pagan ceremonies, the names of young women were placed in a box, from which they were drawn by the men as chance directed.

The pastors of the early Christian Church in Rome endeavoured to do away with the pagan element in these feasts by substituting the names of saints for those of maidens. And as the Lupercalia began about the middle of February, the pastors appear to have chosen Saint Valentine's Day for the celebration of this new feast. So it seems that the custom of young men choosing maidens for valentines, or saints as patrons for the coming year, arose in this way.


St. Valentine's Story

Let me introduce myself. My name is Valentine. I lived in Rome during the third century. That was long, long ago! At that time, Rome was ruled by an emperor named Claudius. I didn't like Emperor Claudius, and I wasn't the only one! A lot of people shared my feelings.

Claudius wanted to have a big army. He expected men to volunteer to join. Many men just did not want to fight in wars. They did not want to leave their wives and families. As you might have guessed, not many men signed up. This made Claudius furious. So what happened? He had a crazy idea. He thought that if men were not married, they would not mind joining the army. So Claudius decided not to allow any more marriages. Young people thought his new law was cruel. I thought it was preposterous! I certainly wasn't going to support that law!

Did I mention that I was a priest? One of my favourite activities was to marry couples. Even after Emperor Claudius passed his law, I kept on performing marriage ceremonies -- secretly, of course. It was really quite exciting. Imagine a small candlelit room with only the bride and groom and myself. We would whisper the words of the ceremony, listening all the while for the steps of soldiers.

One night, we did hear footsteps. It was scary! Thank goodness the couple I was marrying escaped in time. I was caught. (Not quite as light on my feet as I used to be, I guess.) I was thrown in jail and told that my punishment was death.

I tried to stay cheerful. And do you know what? Wonderful things happened. Many young people came to the jail to visit me. They threw flowers and notes up to my window. They wanted me to know that they, too, believed in love.

One of these young people was the daughter of the prison guard. Her father allowed her to visit me in the cell. Sometimes we would sit and talk for hours. She helped me to keep my spirits up. She agreed that I did the right thing by ignoring the Emperor and going ahead with the secret marriages. On the day I was to die, I left my friend a little note thanking her for her friendship and loyalty. I signed it, "Love from your Valentine."

I believe that note started the custom of exchanging love messages on Valentine's Day. It was written on the day I died, February 14, 269 A.D. Now, every year on this day, people remember. But most importantly, they think about love and friendship. And when they think of Emperor Claudius, they remember how he tried to stand in the way of love, and they laugh -- because they know that love can't be beaten!


Valentine Traditions

Hundreds of years ago in England, many children dressed up as adults on Valentine's Day. They went singing from home to home. One verse they sang was:

 Good morning to you, valentine;
 Curl your locks as I do mine---
 Two before and three behind.
 Good morning to you, valentine.

In Wales wooden love spoons were carved and given as gifts on February 14th. Hearts, keys and keyholes were favourite decorations on the spoons. The decoration meant, "You unlock my heart!"

In the Middle Ages, young men and women drew names from a bowl to see who their valentines would be. They would wear these names on their sleeves for one week. To wear your heart on your sleeve now means that it is easy for other people to know how you are feeling.

In some countries, a young woman may receive a gift of clothing from a young man. If she keeps the gift, it means she will marry him.

Some people used to believe that if a woman saw a robin flying overhead on Valentine's Day, it meant she would marry a sailor. If she saw a sparrow, she would marry a poor man and be very happy. If she saw a goldfinch, she would marry a millionaire.

A love seat is a wide chair. It was first made to seat one woman and her wide dress. Later, the love seat or courting seat had two sections, often in an S-shape. In this way, a couple could sit together -- but not too closely!

Think of five or six names of boys or girls you might marry, As you twist the stem of an apple, recite the names until the stem comes off. You will marry the person whose name you were saying when the stem fell off.

Pick a dandelion that has gone to seed. Take a deep breath and blow the seeds into the wind. Count the seeds that remain on the stem. That is the number of children you will have.

If you cut an apple in half and count how many seeds are inside, you will also know how many children you will have.

February 11th, 2007:  

Nationality Test
Just a little Nationality Test I found on Fur Affinity.  So I thought I would share my results.  Basically, you check off what is true then count up the results.  I wonder what I will score...?

[X] You drink a lot of tea.
[X] You know what a brolly is.
[ ] Deal or No Deal has taken over your life.
[ ] You wanted Ben to win X Factor.
[X] You use the word "bugger" or the phrase "bloody hell."
[X] Fish and Chips are yummy.
[X] You can eat a Full English Breakfast. (Though the question should be, would you want to?)
[X] You dislike emos almost as much as you dislike chavs.
[ ] Its football...not soccer.
Total = 6

[ ] You wear flip flops all year.
[X] You call flip flops "thongs", not flip flops.
[X] You love a backyard barbie.
[X] You know a barbie is not a doll.
[X] You love the beach.
[X] Sometimes you swear without realizing.
[ ] You're a sports fanatic.
[ ] You are tanned.
[ ] You're a bit of a bogan.
[X] You have an Australian something.
Total = 6

[ ] The Sopranos is a great show.
[ ] Your last name ends in a vowel.
[X] Your grandmother makes her own sauces. (well, my mother does, but she learned from Grandma.)
[X] You know how a real meatball tastes.
[ ] You know Italian songs.
[ ] You have dark hair and dark eye color.
[ ] You speak some Italian.
[ ] You are under 5'10''
[ ] You know what an Italian horn is
[X] Pizza/spaghetti is the best food in the world!!!
[X] You talk with your hands.
Total = 4

[ ] You say member instead of remember.
[ ] You speak Spanish or some.
[X] You like tacos.
[ ] YoU TyPe lIkE ThIs On Da CoMpUtEr.(sometimes)
[ ] You are dark skinned.
[ ] You know what a Puta is.
[ ] You talk fast occasionally.
[ ] You have had highlights or have dyed your hair.
[ ] You know what platanos are.
Total = 1

[ ] You say villain as: Vee-lon.
[X] You get short tempered.
[ ] You know of somebody named Natasha.
[X] You get cold easily.
[X] Rain is fun for you.
[ ] You get into contests all the time.
[X] You can easily make do with the cold weather.
Total = 4

[ ] You think beer is the best.
[ ] You have a bad temper.
[ ] Your last name starts with a Mc, Murph, O', Fitz or ends with a ley, on, un, an, in, ry, ly, y.
[X] You have blue or green eyes.
[X] You like the colour green.
[X] You have been to a St. Patty's day party.
[X] You have a family member from Ireland.
[ ] You have blonde hair.
[ ] You have/had freckles.
[X] Your family get-togethers always include drinking and/or singing.
Total = 5

African American
[ ] You say nigga/nukka casually
[ ] You have nappy hair.
[ ] You like rap.
[X] You know how to shoot a gun
[X] You think President George Walker Bush is racist. 
[X] You like chicken.
[X] You like watermelon.
[ ] You can dance.
[X] You can 'sing' gospel.
Total = 5

[ ] You have slanty/small eyes.
[X] You like rice a lot.
[ ] You are good at math.
[ ] You have played the piano.
[ ] You have family from Asia.
[X] You laugh sometimes covering your mouth.
[ ] Most people think you're Chinese.
[X] You call hurricanes "typhoons".
[ ] You go to Baulko.
Total = 3

[X] You like bread.
[X] You think German Chocolate is good.
[ ] You Speak some German.
[X] You know what Schnitzel is.
[X] You hate it when stupid people call you a Nazi.
[X] You went to Pre-school.
[X] You're over 5'2
Total = 6

[X] You like/play/played hockey.
[ ] You love beer.
[X] You say eh.
[X] You know what poutine is (Heart Attack Speical!)
[X] You speak some French.
[X] You love Tim Horton's.
[X] At one point you lived in a farm house.
[X] You watch/watched Degrassi.
Total = 7

[ ] You hate foreigners.
[ ] You hate non - Christians.
[X] You're lazy.
[ ] You are not cultured.
[ ] You hate abortion.
[ ] But love the death penalty.
[ ] You don't read.
[X] You shop at WalMart.
[ ] You think this survey is rather biased.
Total = 2

As the beer slogan goes: I... AM.. CANADIAN! (eh!)

February 9th, 2007:  

Have you ever had a situation where something comes up, and some how your name got involved in this through no fault of your own, and at first you thought about it and you were pretty cool/okay about it, but as think about it more, you just become more and more upset, hurt, or angry about it?  Such a thing as just come up.

Artica, the wonderful chilled vixen character of Shawntae Howard's, (aka Tamar the Ebony Leopard) was and continues to be, the first furry crush I have ever had in the fandom, ever since I first laid eyes on her back in 1996 in the pages of  The American Journal of Anthropomorphics #4.  This prompted me to write a letter to Tamar telling him how I fell in love with Artica, and how I wish to know her more.  At this time, there was only one other rival for her paw, and that was a certain Canadian black rabbit...  We were the #1 and #2 fans she ever had, though it's not quite certain which of us was first.

As Shawntae's comic the Extinctioners (which featured Artica originally as a small bit sub-character) grew, so did Artica's fan base.  She even has her own Yahoo group, though most of the discussion of her it seems comes through on the Adult Extinctioner's Yahoo Group...   I don't post to them much, and to be honest, unless the post is form Tamar, I just usually ignore it.  I don't like getting into the whining and the politics of it all; I would rather just enjoy the comic! Sadly, I can't always do that.

Back in November of 2005, the group/list moderator started a poll on who should Artica end up with, and naturally, he put his own name down.  And everyone knows him as he goes to quite a few of the conventions, and he get Artica art and he posts it to the list so just about everyone knows that he has a thing for her as well.  The final result of the polls had him convincingly winning, but not with out some controversy.

My name was also added to this list of who Artica should end up with, which made me furious.  I lashed out almost venomously as I felt very hurt about this.  I really hate being judged on something like this.  It might come as a bit of a surprised, but when it comes to the farer sex and dating and anything REMOTELY related, I completely BOMB! I am very lonely, and very insecure around those I like.  I have a hard time fighting for myself to prove my worth, and competing for the love of a woman leaves me feeling...  well, lets just say it goes along the lines of what goes down a toilet.  And although I love Artica, and still dream of her when I go to bed, I know that she deserves better than me.  While other's where commissioning sex pictures of their character with Artica, I just wanted something more like a kiss, or to be her teddy-bear with a massive hug.  Romance and intimacy are a great joy to me.

So once again, the moderator of this list has started up a WHO SHOULD END UP WITH ARTICA poll.  At first I thought, wow, I am still on this list of candidates? I have not done much lately, save gather a few images in the I LOVE ARTICA book, which I did art trades for to receive.  And I thought that great, okay, no big deal, here we go again.  But then I started to think back about the last time this went on, and how upset it made me, and how there was a small flame war over this.  Last time I asked everyone NOT to vote for me, to instead vote for Red Firefox, the male character in the Extinctioner's comic who Artica has a crush on.  And at first, I thought I would let it slide, but after a couple of hours, it began to stew in me and all the anger and hurt form the last time is surging back at me.

What's worse about this is the timing.  Valentine's day is less than a week away, and here I am reminded of this.  I am still alone, I still suck when it comes to finding someone, as most of the someone's I find either are nuts, or lie about their age...  But that's another rant...  Sigh.  I just wish that I had been asked if I wanted to be in on this poll I guess, so when it comes up and I am dead last I wont' feel like a total loser.  Because all this is really, is a popularity contest, and I am FAR from being popular.  I am the guy that is great one on one, or even in a group of 3 or 4 as long as we are doing the same thing, but once the crowd starts getting too large, or the direction goes toward something I am not comfortable with, I shy away and do my own thing in the corner once more.  It's hard for me to feel good about me, especially in matters of romance.

There, I have had my rant...  Someone please wake me up when Valentine's is over and bring a mop...


A couple of days later now...  It's amazing how stupid I get with a little sleep deprivation.  A few nights with out proper snooze time and the least little thing sets me off.  Blah, I suck.

February 3rd, 2007:  

For those who were wondering why I have not been around much or why I have not been drawing, that's because I was not all that well, and feeling quite run down/over.  But now I am feeling better, so I am going to be drawing up a storm to get back caught up on all my stuff.

For about 2 or so weeks, I was suffering form a nasty bout of insomnia, to the point that it was affecting my general health.  My body was not resting so I started walking around hunched-backed because the muscles along my spine and shoulders were knotting and locking up.  Add in the constant dizziness and the fact that at points of extreme fatigue which all left me feeling loopy and goofy feeling, almost as if I was drunk.  Heh heh, I was even out at a local art jam and I started to black out for moments.. not good.

But I am once more sleeping again, and feeling better.  I can move my back and neck, and I am not longer walking around like Igor.  So I should start drawing again tomorrow to get started on commissions and comics.

January 13th, 2007:  

Today's number is 32. I will get back to that in a moment as I talk one last look back at the year that was and mention why it's today's number.

It's been a year since I was last really sick, where I had the flu which put me down for 32 days. Over 32 weeks form mid 2005 to spring of 2006, I was sick 5 times, being down for about 4 and a half weeks each time. But form the Spring of 2006 onwards, my health has greatly improved. Oh I had the occasional cold and bout with the flu, but nothing serious like bronchitis or pneumonia. 

Thirty two days is how long I have had my World of WarCraft account reactivated, though I am now getting to the point where I don't want to any more as I have done mostly all there is to do. I need an end-game guild now to really enjoy the game more, that or get the expansion which will be released in 3 more days. Since my payment is on for one more month, I will continue to play for now, but I think after that month, I may just cancel my account once more for a while.

I had 32 new submissions to go through so far today, other people's art for me to look through and enjoy.

My sound card is 32-bits based on my other computer. And you know, I can't tell the difference between it and my 64-bit sound card... Hmm 64, double 32.

32 is how many Christmas Cards I sent out to the United States this past Christmas 2006. 

Thirty two is the number of minutes it has taken me to type this because I keep being distracted by the TV.. which is currently on channel 32.

The minimum number of images I want to get done this year is 32, which should be easy to do as that would be one ever 11 or so days.

Today ends 32 years in my life. Thirty two years down. That's 40% of my life gone already, assuming I will live to be 80 years old. And you know what? It's been completely wasted. I have done nothing with my life. My parents were married and expecting me by this age. Myself, I have no one in my life that I can say I want to marry or could for that matter. And I don't want children. I think if it came down to when I get married and/or start having sex regularly, I am going to take the step to get an appointment with Mr. Snip. I would rather have a vasectomy than continue my bloodline. So if someday I do find someone to marry, I hope she appreciates that I do not want children. Though with the rate I am going, it will be another 32 years before I do get married. 

If I had another 32 dollars, I could go out for a fun time, or at least go take in a movie. $5 for bus fair, $15 for the show. $5 for popcorn, and $7 for a meal either before or after... 

Cheers all. I am going back to drawing.

January 7th, 2007:  

Things have been hectic around here for the past month or so. I have not done anything art wise save doing a bit of sketchbook art for my friend SailorAnna. But that should start changing as of now. 

All the big events have past for me, and it's just minor stuff to worry about now. No reason why I can't sit down and draw up some DTBC comics and some more UnHappy Valentines too. Not to mention that I still owe two pieces of gift art to people for either Christmas (for a bunny) and a birthday for Reala (the dino). I have some preliminary sketches done, but that's it. I really got to crack down and get to it.

For Christmas I got the new wolfy Zelda game form my friend and I have spent the better part of 48 hours playing. When I have not been playing it, I have been doing a little bit of World of WarCraft, which I like to play to unwind after dealing with my family. And I have been dealing with my family a lot lately because of not only the holidays, but because one if off and running.

My mother left for Alberta today, and she probably will not be back until just before summer. She is going to finish her degree in Ministry and become a pastor before her 65th birthday in the fall of this year. I wish her luck. The problem is now that I am alone pretty much with my mentally ill father who has a nasty habit of knowing how to press all my buttons. He is incredibly obese, choosing to sit around all day eating and bitching about how his legs hurt when he walks or does anything. And when he is not whining about that, out form his mouth comes a torrent of racism that makes me want to either rip out my ears, or stab his tongue with my pencils. And wait until you hear his take on homosexuals. Fuck, I swear I am going to go insane(r) if I have to take care of him too long... but if I don't, no one else will, including himself. I want to make sure he eats right and he gets up before noon, though to be honest, the longer he is in bed, the less racket I have to deal with. Heh heh. So for the next 5 months, I get to be the 'mommy' of the house, which in this family is more like a terminal sentence.

Tomorrow I got back on the job hunt trail, trying to find work so that I don't end up spending all my time here. I am hoping to get a part time job for now, and look into what I can get in the way of education for myself. I will also once again be taking the volunteer tax programme from Canadian Revenue Agency (aka RevCan). I am thinking that I might get into tax preparation work, like at H&R Block, which I know pays crap, but its a start. But for now, I am thinking I will go back to Security for a short while just so I can get the ball rolling as it were. Another option I am going to pursue is going back into the tow industry, and see if any of the local or semi local impound yards needs a night man to do the paper work. Its a job where you get paid to be 'evil'! Bwahahahahhahahaha!

Anyways, for now I am going to get some supper made for everyone, though knowing them, they have probably already ordered a pizza or added some peanut butter to toast and didn't tell me. Sigh...

December 31st, 2006:  

It is now only a couple of hours away form 2007, and here I sit in a Chinese restaurant waiting on my order of take out. I was looking forward to going to Seattle for New Year's but that didn't work out. My friend who was going to drive us has to work early on the first. Bit of a drag, but that's how things go. Got to pay bills after all. :)

Friendship is a funny thing and though I sometimes jest/say things to the contrary, it's not overrated. This year I made a few new friends and got to meet up with a few others in person for the first time. Other friends I have not seen in sometime I got to see again, yet others that I was planning on visiting to say hello to I missed out on do to either scheduling conflicts, as in the case with a certain blue deer, or with a few others, got rubber hosed at the boarder. Getting into the United States is now one of the hardest things to do, though I generally have no problems, but then I'm also not Max the BlackRabbit who seems to draw out the wrath of the rubber glove each time he goes to cross. Oh well... Such is the toll to pay for attending US conventions.

Friends are funny at times. I have one that is completely deteriorating before my eyes. He is just falling deeper into a funk of denial and hypochondria. He just does not seem to get it, that if he keeps going the way he is, work will be out of his reach and he will be off mooching on others once more. Though I am hardly in a position to talk right now, having been out of work for a year now, save the odd odd-job.

Some of my friends really infuriate me. Here I am trying to lose weight, get in shape, get out of depression, and here they are doing all the things I am trying to avoid. One is getting fatter by the week and has no desire to change that. One of the things I have done this past year that I am quite proud of is that I am down 2 pant sizes by eating less and doing more... and here is my friends eating more and doing less. The reason I am doing all of this is to bring myself out of a dark place so I can start feeling good about myself and not so down in the dumps, and I have friends who don't want to do anything and don't understand why I am trying to do cheep little things that are fun and productive so I can feel good about myself. It is getting to the point where I just don't want to be around some of my friends as to avoid their bad habits. We still get together and hang out, but it's not as often as we used to.

I have such a hard time with my own self esteme, its pathetic. I sometimes just want to crawl into a hole and wait for death. Other times I want to take on the world... too bad most of those feel good times happen as soon as I lay down to sleep. Heh heh. But when hanging around some of my friends brings me down, should I then stop hanging around my friends? Should I start worrying about helping me and putting my well-being first? Or maybe I should start hanging out more with the good friends I have been making so that I can find a reason to feel good about myself?

Or maybe I am just over thinking this... I have had bad luck with friendship. I have put my trust in others to have it crush, and although this year has been pretty darn good in that regard, its coming close to ruin at this year's end. So, one of my new year's resolutions will be to not worry about this crap too much, which is why I am spilling it all here and now. Let this bad mojo vibes DIE with 2006, and let my spirit and friendliness grow anew with the coming of 2007. Life is too short and stuff like that. I will be taking better care of myself; I will be losing a bit more weight and doing what I can to take pride in myself. With out pride in myself, I might as well do nothing at all and just wait for death.

I want to do more for my art, and not just sit on my computer playing video games. I am bad for that. It's far too easy to just give in and let the dancing pixels take over my brain. I will be taking up DTBC tomorrow, having downloaded some porn form LimeWire to help inspire me as well as give me a few shot ideas for later on. I even was able to find some herm-on-herm and herm-on-male action! Woohoo! And I still have 1 more Christmas picture I have to draw up for a friend, but I have an idea what I am going to do. I will do that next. :)

December 29th, 2006:  

T’is the season to be... well, you can insert your own state of being here. Christmas has past, but it didn't really feel like Christmas for me, save Christmas Eve when we had everyone over for a big meal. That was the high point of this holiday for me. The rest of this.. well, it was just another day with a few gifts thrown in. It was more about going through the paces than really sitting back and ENJOYING the moment.


I look back on this year and at my life and I have to say, I am disappointed in myself. I did so much nothing that its actually pretty sad and pathetic. No job, though a little bits of work here and there, hardly worth mentioning even on my taxes. I did do up a few taxes for other people, but not enough to make a difference. I continued on with my comics, but really lagged on them, even to the point where I had a few multiple periods of stagnation. I got more involved with the local Furry community, only to realize (again) that most of the locals are either extremely arrogant or immature, sometimes both.

No girlfriend, but I did meet a young lady friend who someday soon might date with me for a while; (if nothing else, I have a convention going friend I can hang with). No education funds left, but I am out of debt for now, AND I have a few people who owe me money... I don’t expect any of them to pay me back soon if ever. I keep letting go of issues from the past only to have others dredge it up for me again. (And letting go of my ‘shit’ is one of the issues I have the most difficulty with...) 

I lost another tooth, but gained a license to drive. I hardly drew, and seem to struggled mentally to focus on it when I did, but when it was done and inked, I produced some of my best pieces, especially pin-ups. I created a portfolio and even sold some of the originals at MidWest FurFest. On the way back form MidWest FurFest, my wonderful little laptop, a 10 year old Pentium 166, had its monitor break, rendering it useless.

I can’t seem to get over the negative around me, especially after having one of my most negative friends around me. Not that I can blame this most recent bout of feeling down and out on him exclusively, but he did add to it. I can hardly wait until the new year, and get past my next birthday, which is January 13th for anyone who wishes to know. Most of my friends forget anyways, so its not a bit deal for me.

Now I am looking forward to this year’s end, and hopefully spend it in Seattle with a few friends thanks to an open invite by a Seattle Furry. Right now it hinges on whether or not if my friend can get the time off work to drive down. If not, well no big loss. I will sit on the couch and play the new wolfy Zelda game or log on and play World of WarCraft.

This new year I have a few things in mind, most of it was started last year. I plan on taking the tax program again from Revenue Canada and then do the taxes up for those who can’t afford (or don’t know how to) do it. I rather enjoy doing taxes for others. I plan to continue on loosing a bit more weight, I am already down 2 pant-sizes and almost down a 3rd, even though I still look fat and have not really lost that much weight. I want to continue with getting more Do The BearCat out, but both Reala (aka AEBL) and I are going to change direction of it, so it won’t just be another ‘yiff comic’. It will be more like the first issue, and we are going to try to have a story or a series of stories to it. I already have more UnHappy Valentines penciled up, but have yet to ink, plus I have a few birthday images to do up.

First thing I have to do in the new year though is find a job. I just want something simple to start to get my mojo working for me and get a little green (and blue and purple) in my wallet. After gaining some coin of the realm, I want to get the things that money can get… A new portable; a car, a couple of conventions... sex... Yes, I miss having sex. No matter how good my Man-to-Hand relationship is, I miss having another person involved.

So that’s my year in review so far. I probably will update this more later. For now, I am going to go have a cup of tea and watch some animé


November 25th, 2006:  

I am HOME!  Thank God!  heh heh.  I get back to find out that a massive major storm blew though Vancouver, nearly destroying the place.  Because of stupidly in logging and clear cutting all the mountains and hills around here to build houses...  So the trees left behind fell down over the house, mud slides, fowled water...  Oh well, I am glad to be home.  My area is clear and safe though, and the drinking water for New Westminster comes form a protected water shed so our water is just fine. :)  

But now I have to look forward to the first snow of the season.  Wow.  Snow!  We don't normally get that much snow in my area, but it does fall occasionally.  I don't expect the 20cm of snow they are predicting, but for those digging their house from mudslides and trees just a few kilometers from here.

November 23rd, 2006:  

Well, I am not quite home yet. I am still in Washington State, camping out at MickStover's residence... I am going to be having American Thanksgiving with him and his family. Yummy!

MidWest FurFest was fantastic. I was going to right more about it, but alas, my old work horse of a portable PC finally broke. It owes me nothing mind you. It has served itself well over the years. Hell, this thing is older than some of my friend's children. Heh heh. I am going to try an operate on it, see if I can fix the problem (the monitor won't turn on any more) after I dump the contents of my 2gig HD. Can't do that until I get home. Poor guy, just didn't survive that last flight from Chicago to SeaTac.

I really don't have the money for a new computer... or even a used one. This trip, I spent a lot more than I should have, going out for dinner, gas money for MickStover so he could pick me up from the airport. I have got to find a paying job when I get back home, rather then, when I do crawl out of my den/hole-in-the-ground, doing the unpaid work.

That's it for now. I will comment more on MFF and everything when I get back home. Plus attempt to fix my old portable, as well as getting back to work on more DTBCs. Oh, and I still have to draw EVIL... into Sailor Anna's book. ^.^

November 14th, 2006:  

Well I am all packed and ready to go. I will be out of country for the next ten or so days first off to MidWest FurFest in Chicago visiting my friend and partner on Do The BearCat, then visiting my friend in Washington State for American Thanksgiving. So needless to say, I am just putting this all aside until then.

Some good news that I have and something to look forwards to is finally winning a mini battle with the MFF con hotel, getting the con rate for all 4 nights, not just 3 nights, which means I will be there until Monday Morning. 

I am so looking forward to visiting Chicago, maybe even go visit the United Center.. My brother is a big Hawks fan, and would love a picture of the place, especially with a player. As for me, I just love visiting new places and Chicago is rich in American History and modern American literature and such. And I get to hang out with AEBL (Akeem Lofton, aka Reala) and getting to meet his family.

Then there is the convention itself. I am going to be showing off my first portfolio in a few years as well as I am going to be pimping off some of my originals, including some DTBC art, for anyone who has cash and wants to spend it… I’s love your cash!

After the con, I am back to Seattle then up the I-5 to my friend’s place to visit for American Thanksgiving. I will take this time to chill and relax there, and of course, stuff my face full of turkey! Heh heh. 

Once I get back home, I need to start looking for work once more, as well as get back to work drawing and finishing off the current chapters of DTBC I have in the works. I also want to start on my next 2 portfolios. I am thinking Cat Boys and Herms as the next two topics. That sound good? Heh heh. I will see how it goes though. Right now, I have pushed myself hard the past 2 weeks, and right now I feel artistically tapped (just in time for the convention…) I will spend the next couple of days not drawing, so that should help. I will just do a bit of colouring for my friend, Sailor Anna. ^.^

November 13th, 2006:  

America: Freedom to Fascism

The above link will take you to a documentary about 2 hours long.  A friend from Washington State showed this to me, and how the American government maybe illegally taxing its own citizens and jailing them without just cause.  

This is a documentary by directory Aaron Russo and his quest to find the legality behind the Income Tax in America.  He has one simple question:  Where is it written in law that an American has to pay Income Tax?  What he found was startling to say the least.  By the end, it shows a link to the banks of American and the world and fascism.  This is a movie, that after viewing, I can say honestly, that it leaves me scared to death to enter to the United States of America!  Well, not completely, but enough to have me worried for all my friends living down there.  I think this is something every American should watch.

November 11th, 2006:  

November, 11th, 1918  -- World War I ends.  Remembrance Day.

In Flanders Fields
By: Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae, MD (1872-1918)
Canadian Army

IN FLANDERS FIELDS the poppies blow
Between the crosses row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

Colonel McCrea's poem is still read to this day every November as a reminder of the horrors we faced from World War I.  This is the day we in Canada remember our solders and those who gave their lives so that we have our freedoms and liberties today.  This was last centuries darkest hours, but they brought the brightest hope for our future... lest we forget.

"The poem was exactly an exact description of the scene in front of us both. He used the word blow in that line because the poppies actually were being blown that morning by a gentle east wind. It never occurred to me at that time that it would ever be published. It seemed to me just an exact description of the scene." -- Passage from Dr. John McCrea's note book, 1915.

November 10th, 2006:  

Ever think that there are secret forces out to get you and keep you away form conventions?  As many of you know, I am on my way to MidWest FurFest, leaving VERY early on the 15th to fly out of SeaTac to Chicago.  I will be visiting my friend AEBL and staying with him during the convention.  That's about where the fun begins.

Apparently, the dealer's registration form I mailed to AEBL (Akeem) to mail out with a cheque, never made it to the convention.  So now we are paying the $40 each to get in and we will be setting up shop in Artist's Alley instead of Dealer's Den.  As such, I will not be bringing as much to sell.  So pretty much, I will be doing sketchbook art and con-badge.  I will bring a few things to show off and sell, even my new portfolio if I get it done in time.

Next thing to go wrong is the hotel.  They are jerking us around with our reservation.  Originally we were hoping to stay from the 16th, checking out on the 20th.  But for there are no rooms for Sunday Night.. they are 'sold out' or 'unavailable'.  On Sunday night...  How the hell does that happen?  Sunday night is the night everyone is usually LEAVING!  So now I am looking for other arrangements for Sunday night, maybe hopefully finding a Motel 6 or Super 8 or something of the like.  This just really pisses me off.  Because I have called, recalled, and recalled, and every time I think I have this fixed, something else goes wrong with them.. So f*ck it, I am going to check out on the 19th.  Their loss.

But all of this has had an effect on me.  I am feeling anxious and depressed now thinking about it.  As I feel now, I am ready to say the hell with in, crawl in to bed, and forget about the con all together.  But that's how I am and I know it will pass in about an hour or so.  So I am going to play video games for an hour then draw some more.

Some good news is that I will be having Thanksgiving at my friend's place.  He is returning home to Washington State, so when I come back form Chicago, he will pick me up from the airport and I will stay with him for a few days for Thanksgiving.  This was his MOTHER'S idea and she NEVER invites anyone over!  So I am definitely going to take advantage of this, my first American Thanksgiving!  

November 2nd, 2006:  

I am not pleased to announced that I am opening commissions on ConBadges.  I started selling ConBadges at Howl-o-ween.  I am just trying to figure out how much to charge for them.  As many of you may know, I am TERRIBLE when it comes to figuring out costs for the art I do.

Here is what is offered for each con-badge.  Each badge is full colour (unless otherwise requested) and comes with it's own plastic holder.  Each badge can easily be mailed out to you. As you can see, there are a few samples of badges drawn for me in my gallery.

Prices...  I am starting my prices out at the rate of $7 per badge.  This includes shipping and handling to have the badge mailed to you. HOWEVER!  I am also going to have a sale right now. Anyone who will be at MidWest FurFest and wishes to preorder a badge form me, can have me start working on a badge for them for the cost of $5.

To get the badge form me, just send me the information I need:  Your REAL Name;  Name to appear on the badge; a brief description;  a copy of any pre-existing images of your character.  All of this can me sent to me here as a private message, or (preferably) to my e-mail,

METHODS OF PAYMENT:  I prefer MONEY ORDERS.  You can get these from your Bank or Post Office.  Those in Canada may send me cheques form a major bank.  Lastly, I will accept PAY PAL (even though I am slowly beginning to loath them).  For those preordering badges for MFF, I will accept Cash on Delivery at MFF.

October 1st, 2006:  

I am reporting that I am wearing my thin jeans for the first time in over 2 years! I am down two sizes of pants, and my belt is now so loose when I wear this nearly forgotten pair, that its coming undone on its own when I sit. They are a little tight still, but not uncomfortably so. Basically, as long as I am not bloated, I am snug and able to move about. No real weight lost though, or so it seems, I am just able to get on my smaller pair of jeans!

September 30th, 2006:  

I am reporting that I am wearing my thin jeans for the first time in over 2 years!  I am down two sizes of pants, and my belt is now so loose when I wear this nearly forgotten pair, that its coming undone on its own when I sit.    They are a little tight still, but not uncomfortably so.  Basically, as long as I am not bloated, I am snug and able to move about.  No real weight lost though, or so it seems, I am just able to get on my smaller pair of jeans.


I am behind on my art again.  And once again this is my own fault because I got so easily distracted by shiny objects...  Like on line video games...  It's far too easy for me to sit my ass down in front of my computer, power on, and numb my mind away for a few hours at a time.  But then, I sometimes do play a few games while I draw, sort of a distraction to help me stay focus because when I stay on one thing for too long, I get very frustrated and run into mind blocks.  I am often found idling out on one of the MUCKs, so if you see me on line, and I am idling, I am probably drawing... (or playing my on line video game.)

For the rest of tonight, I am going to try and finish the next page of DTBC and get it up and ready for Monday.  I have not even finished drawing it.  I feel pressured and pushed to get it done on time.  This is good because nothing like a dead line to push someone one.. Get it done!  The thing is I am not as good as I can be, BUT I get it done rather than piddle around with it for hours doing nothing but moving one line about over and over.  I probably will not get it done tonight, but I will get it penciled all the way, that way all I have to do tomorrow is.. everything else.  Ink, scan, touch up, word, then put on line to finally colour it Monday.  Oh well, at least I am getting it done.

September 4th, 2006:  

Hey hey all! Sorry to be out of it and bad on the reply of things this past two weeks, but I have been catching up on a few things I have been neglecting, mainly selfish stuff like sleep and playing games, and some other stuff like gift art, and doing some ‘pen pal’ writing to a state pen... There is also building the broken computer, and a bit of tidy work on my room.

The need for sleep finally got to me. All of August just about, I spent in a state of unrest. Insomnia had a good hold on me, but I finally broke free. Didn’t help that I also had a convention that I was attending as well as two bouts out a minor flu, both before and after I had to deal with. But I have been sleeping (mostly) again, that is when I am not staying up all night doing stupid stuff like finishing a comic page I should have had done on Friday, or playing the video game that kept me away from finishing the comic page that I should have had done on Friday... Games are fun.

Anime Evolution, the convention I was at middle of last month, was just this side of a waste of time. I did get to meet a few nice people though and get some really cool art! And I met a young lady who I ended up fondling... um, cuddling with for the latter half of the event. But for the most part, I have to give the event thumbs down. I did up a rant I was going to about AE, but decided not to post it after seeing it was 5 pages long already and I was half done. So summation, poorly laid out, half organized, cheep art, but met cute girl, so not a complete bust. ^.^

One of the little tasks I have taken upon myself is to be a pen pal to a prisoner in Coffee Correctional. One of the inmates there wrote a letter to my friend the clinical psychologist on art, drawing, and ‘what it all means’... I just got his reply back, with what looks to be a stack of his art. I have not opened it yet, as I am still savouring the last remnants of my Labour Day. I run all incoming and out going by my friend the shrink first just to make sure I am okay, and we are using her PO BOX as the return address, (just incase some of you might be worrying.)

One of the local furs had his place burgled and his computer stolen, so I figured I could be a nice guy and build him one, or I should say, rebuild him one. I took apart my old Pentium III to get the case for it so I could plunk a P4 board in instead. The parts all worked, or at least they did until I rebooted to run Window’s Update, and it just would not turn back on afterwards. I put it aside for a complete day, and upon re-examining it, I figure it’s either the power supply that has gone, or the Motherboard/CPU. I have a few more spare parts not in service, but it just pisses me off that I do all that work only to have the damn thing break on me! ARG!

Do The BearCat is progressing slowly. Drawing, inking, and colouring is a slow process. I have not even bothered to start colouring this weeks issue, which was posted a tad late so I missed the auto update deadline! What’s worse is that since KEENSPACE changed to COMIC GENESIS, I can’t log in to the web options page. My previous password and log in ID no longer works, and further more. I really need to try talking to the system admin again and get this resolved, but the last time I tired this, I was down with a really nasty flu and I just could not explain the situation correctly, which of course, just ticked me off even more to the point I considered jumping to another free host. (I get a tad irrational when I am sick...) For now, its not a big issues, as I can still log in to the FTP site and change things manually. :) Hurray for HTML knowledge!

Next for me, more job search, more drawing, and more cleaning. I am stone broke, and not working is driving me into a deeper depression... (Well, not having a job and living with my family is driving me into a deeper depression as well as taxing what little sanity I have left.) I currently have one art trade going on, so I will finish that up once I start it which will be once I get some sleep. Then once I am done that, I will work on cleaning up the rest of my stuff, sorting and tossing , while taking bouts to colour this weeks DTBC AND draw next weeks page. I am going to be busy! Plus I am behind on birthday art and a portfolio that I want to have ready in time for Midwest FurFest! Damn it, I why do I have to be so damn lazy. :P

So, for those of you with messages/e-mail to me, I am NOT ignoring you, I have been off line mostly getting all this stuff done. My To Do List is huge right now! Heh heh, best get cracking, right after I get some Zzzz in.

August 19th, 2006:  

I am off to Anime Evolution. Originally, it was to start last night (August 18th), but due to a scheduling fubar on the part of the venue location, they had to bump everything half a day or so. As such, we go form Saturday Morning to Monday afternoon, instead of Friday night to Sunday afternoon.

So I am gone between now and then. I did have some art I was going to post, but it’s not finished yet. I showed one picture to one person and I kid you not, he asked me what it was... >.< I guess that page is going in the shredder. I am also working on a 2 or 3 page DARK comic. It’s a project I have been putting off for various reasons, including health and the fact that it deals with a sensitive subject. But more on that later. I have one picture of gift art I am working on too, I need to ink it now and add a background... (Sheesh, I seem to be putting more effort into gift art lately than anything else...)

When I get back form Anime Evolution, I have to get cracking on my contribution for South Fur Lands and get cracking on finishing the current Chapter of Do The BearCat. I also need to get cracking and finish a new portfolio I have in the works that I want to have read for show for Midwest FurFest this November. Plus I have one commission coming up... maybe. (Hurray, I am not the only indecisive one around.)

I have ALSO got to find a job! As fun as it is living in my parents basement, I also have to put up with my abusive and mentally ill father. He blows a gasket over cat food... for cats that are not even his own... This is not a healthy environment for me and it is affecting my health and well being. I have a few leads to follow up on with the Friday Paper, so I will take my computer with me to AE to research the places a bit between my running around. Maybe even fire off a few resumes via e-mail...

So for now, I will see you all anon. I am just about to get some much needed rest. My mouth is still healing and I suspect that I caught the low grade flu that has been going around getting everyone. Joy! I’m the one brining the con crud! :P

August 17th, 2006:  

Hurray, I am feeling better again! Well, mostly... Although my jaw and mouth don’t bother me quite as much, I seem to still have my dizzying headaches and lack of energy. Could be partially because I have been laid up in one form or another for a while now or could be that I have a minor infection or cold brewing. But at any rate, I am feeling better and I am starting to work on a bit of art. 

I started three images recently, one is a page for a dark short-comic I have been wanting to do for a while. Another is a W.I.P. gift art for a friend (but I won’t say who.) And the third is just something I started to draw randomly while waiting for a friend to finish up a job interview. There is also my back log on Do The BearCat that I have to work on and I should get started on very soon.

Next up for me though is ANIME EVOLUTION up at Simon Fraser University... SFU, where they have filmed many movies and television shows (like Battlestar Galactica and Stargate SG-1), and is visible from my front door over on Burnaby Mountain. So this is cool. I can bus it to and fro each day... Last anime con I was at was A-Kon back in 2001 which was a tad insane, but fun despite the staff at the hotels the convention was held at. Once I get back for AE, I am going back to work on DTBC to get this chapter finished. The next installment is a third done already and we haven’t even finished this current chapter... oy...

Oh yeah, and I have to look for work again because another job fell through, but this time I have a new lead and I will be on it tomorrow after a good night’s sleep and a refresh of my sanity. Sanity is often needed for these type of things I am told, jobs that is, though one often loses theirs shortly after the obtaining...

August 13th, 2006:  

I am currently stoned out of my gourd and not currently thinking at 100%... That is because I am pumped full of pain killers with a mouth full of stitches.

Pain is a funny thing. Sometimes you can get though it and just ignore it and get on with life, other times you just wake up screaming/crying/whimpering/yelling in the middle of the night because you just can't take it any more.

I have not been drawing again, but not form a lack of trying. I am just not able to focus on my art because I have been in pain.

Yesterday I went in for emergency oral surgery to have a tooth removed. Having not slept in days, and things only getting worse (even codeine with aspirin was not stopping the pain) I hand to go in to have the tooth surgically removed. Took them several attempted and several shots of Novocain too to just numb me enough to start cutting.

So now I have a mouth full of stitches, I am still whacked out on codeine with aspirin, but I think my migraines have finally stopped. I have new art sketches I have been working on.. nothing very good, but something I will share once I get out form bed. You all will excuse me if I decided to take the rest of the week off to recuperate, right? Then this coming weekend, I have an anime convention up at Simon Fraser University called Anime Evolution. Once I get back, I will be working on Do The BearCat once more with full fury to get Chapter 3 done, then finish off Chapter 4... No clue on what to do with Chapter 5 yet.

July 18th, 2006:  

Today, I am going for my driver's road test for my class 7N license, which will allow me to get my own car and insurance and drive both between the hours of 5am and midnight each day.  This is good for about 2 years I think, then I can go again for my final test, and get my Class 5 which is the standard license that most drivers have.  I have 3 hours to prep myself at this point.. shower, shave, eat, etc...  get myself looking good and fully psyched for this upcoming events.

If I get this, I will be able to start a few possible jobs that I have lined up, especially if my family helps me out with that fund they say I have.  It is the last of the inheritance they got from my father's mother's estate.  We shall see. 

I get VERY FRUSTRATED when dealing with my family, and with good reason.  They, especially my father, has a nasty habit of holding things over me and lording cash and the like to make me feel subservient to his bully like tendencies.  The 'family' car is in my mother's name, on my mother's insurance, and has my mother as the primary driver, even though really is my father that chauffeurs  her around most places.  As it stands now, I can not operate the car legally as the insurance does not cover me due to a single clause.  If they take off that clause, using the fund that I supposedly have to off set the costs, even if just for a half year, I could use their car to help myself find a job, secure work, then go to get my won car and so forth.  My mother is open to the idea, but my father, being the controller he is, immediately put down that idea.  Oh well, I am not going to push the idea.  I asked, and all I can do is cross my fingers and hope my view of their opinion of me is not as bad as I think it is.

Don't get me wrong.  I know they help me out with letting me live in the basement free of rent and with free meals.  But with my family, everything comes at a cost.  I am an emotional cripple for the most part, with sever anxiety, depression, and esteem issues that could keep any shrink bogged down for the rest of my life.  The problem is that for every step I take in the right direction to get out of here, they begin to lay on more emotional damage and guilt trips.  They offer something to aid me on my quest, but then add conditions on it so that it interferes with me actually doing the tasks I need to do.  It gets very frustrating!  This has gone on for as long as I have known them.  Everything has a string attached.  

Now, anyone reading this might think I am just bitching because all I have is negativity left in me.  Yeah, I do admit, I have allot of negativity in me, but that's not just it.  I am trying to build myself up, and tell myself that its not all my fault, which, according to my psychologist friend, I do far too often when I am hanging out with her.  She sees me going completely nuts complaining about them, yet at the same time defending them and trying to justify them;  I definitely have a love-hate thing going on with my family.  But as I said, for every nice thing they do, there is a bad.  They like to remind me that they are in control over me, which of course leaves me with contempt for them, and the unwillingness to do much for them... they pick up on that, get huffy, lord things over me.. etc, etc, etc, unlimited quantities of rice pudding for all, etc....  Vicious cycles are damaging to the soul.


I finally broke down and signed up for a Fur Affinity.  Normally I hate signing up for ANYTHING, even the cool things.  The way the internet usually works, the more you sign up for something, the more spam  you are going to get, etc..  But then FA does not have that problem as its pretty much self contained and I find that they don't really share data like my contact info and so forth with evil corporations.  Plus many, many of my friends are already there.  Just being up a few days, I already have nearly a dozen people watching me for more art.  This will encourage me to actually get my ass in gear and draw more.  I have all my newest art posted there currently.

For the most part, given my limited experiences with Fur Affinity, I have to say I like it so far.  (Yes you were right, Travis.)  I will probably make that my new permanent art archive and use as my 'blog', info, and links page.  This will be a jump off point to places like my comic, Do The BearCat,  my Commissions page (still being neglected, er constructed), and my still being constructed For Sale page.  I need to get my ass in gear and get this all done, seriously!


Breaking news on the Thompson Family news front.  My brother has done something I have been waiting for him to do for the longest time, and by doing so, has instilled some respect form me.  He has moved out on his girlfriend, and has come back home to live with us until he can find a new place to live as well as a new car.  Hallelujah!  I have NEVER liked his girlfriend.  I have always maintained that she is a bitch.  She is greedy, selfish, self-centered, and very immature.  This all spawns form her coming form a well off family, who lavished her with all she wanted, including a fine, black-polished Pontiac. She whimpers and cries when she can't get her own way, including when she was told at her job that she was doing a half assed job and as such, she would not be promoted and would have to continue doing the menial work.  ...Just didn't get it.  If you don't do a good job, you will be given shit for it.  My brother, being kind hearted at times to his non-stupid coworkers, gave a big box of chocolates to the secretary for Secretary's Day a few years back.  The bitch ex-girlfriend fucking flipped out on him and went ape-shit on my brother because my brother was cheating on her... with a 40-plus year old, single mother secretary...  No good deed goes unpunished, eh?  That was why they broke up the last time.  This is now the 7th or 8th time my brother and his selfish ex have broken up.  Here's to it being permanent!  With her out of his life, he might finally get out from being deep in the RED.  

June 30th, 2006:  

I am angry.  I am pissed off and fed up.  I might as well put a giant WORTHLESS sticker on my head because that's how I am treated by my family. or so I feel.  I hate them, how they treat me...  I am angry at them, and I wish for nothing good for them for the rest of their lives, but knowing them, they don't need me to wish that against them, as they will do it to themselves on their own..

Of course I am saying all of this out of anger right now.  I am fucking pissed off at my mother for buying a computer.  Now those reading along might be wondering why I would get so upset over something like this.  How about that I just rebuilt a computer for her?  How about I have been servicing her old computer for years and it still works fine?  How about that I told her if she wanted a new computer, let me buy it for her so she would not what she was getting and that I could then properly take care of it for her.  I told her straight up that if she bought a new computer I would have NOTHING to do with it.  Then she turns around and tries to coerce my friend into thinking I am just having some sort of computer envy and that I am a control freak.  NO!  I am trying to save her and myself a lot of grief by making sure this is done right and that I don't fuck over her warranty when I have to fix up her mistakes.  My mother knows jack shit about how to use a PC and can barely run WORD 97 on Windows 98... its going to be interesting when she is force to use Word 2003 with Windows XP HOME...  XP Home is a pile of horse crap that has never worked right on any system.  The good news is now I don't have to share my printer any more.

Okay, I do give her full marks from buying it form DELL.  Dell has a farley good reputation for computers;  no one I know personally has been screwed by Dell.  And she got a nice printer/scanner combo out of the deal.  Still, I refuse to have anything to do with it at this time.  Maybe in a few weeks or so when she apologizes to me, I might.  It will be interesting when she gets her first virus and so forth.  This was my only area that I felt any pride in around the house and by this act, I feel slapped across the face.  So fuck them and fuck the new computer.

June 24th, 2006:  

Look, I took a test...




Jan 13th 1975



Current Location:


Eye Color:


Hair Color:





too much (coming down)







Overused Phraze:




Turkey Dinner






Green and blue




Alcohol Drink:

never (makes me sick)


plan, lightly toasted, with butter


from a friend

Body Part on Opposite sex:

nipples, mrowl

This or That

Pepsi or Coke:


McDonalds or Burger King:

Tim Horton's!

Strawberry or Watermelon:


Hot tea or Ice tea:

Both, but lean towards hot

Chocolate or Vanilla


Hot Chocolate or Coffee:


Kiss or Hug:


Dog or Cat:

Both, currently have 2 cats

Rap or Punk:


Summer or Winter:


Scary Movies or Funny Movies:

Funny, I need my laughs.

Love or Money:

Money, love is over rated and hurts



when I pass out.

Most Missed Memory:

Best phyiscal feature:

Hair, my scalp how ever...

First Thought Waking Up:

shoot me

Goal for this year:

Best Friends:

Paul and Roger




my own insecurities



Longest relationship:



Ever Drank:

no, can't.

Ever Smoked:



evil! Never!

Ever been Drunk:


Ever been beaten up:


Ever beaten someone up:


Ever Shoplifted:


Ever Skinny Dipped:


Ever Kissed Opposite sex:


Been Dumped Lately:



Favorite Eye Color:


Favorite Hair Color:


Short or Long:



just shorter than me


down the back

Looks or Personality:


Hot or Cute


Drugs and Alcohol:


Muscular or Really Skinny:

don't care


Number of Regrets in the Past:

too many to list

What country do you want to Visit:


How do you want to Die:

in my sleep

Been to the Mall Lately:


Do you like Thunderstorms:

yes, pretty lightshow.. free too

Get along with your Parents:

When we are not trying to kill each other, yes

Health Freak:


Do you think your Attractive:


Believe in Yourself:


Want to go to College:


Do you Smoke:


Do you Drink:


Shower Daily:

try to. Stinking is bad

Been in Love:

yes... sigh.

Do you Sing:

I can...

Want to get Married:


Do you want Children:

not really

Have your future kids names planned out:

Michael and Jenna

Age you want to lose your Virginity:

already have

Hate anyone:

besides myself? not really.


June 13th, 2006:  

I really should do my bit to keep this up to date... including actually uploading when I have an update in hand.  I completely missed the one for the 5th, so here it is now, a week late.  Oh well.  Does not matter.

Right now, I am tired and feeling worn out.  I know I should be out looking for work, but every time I get close to even just going in to hand in a resume, my anxiety goes through the roof to the point where my scenes overload and shut my body down.  That's how it has been for me lately.  I have been feeling overloaded and have been shutting down.  Oh well.  It will pass.

On the art front, I have the DTBC/BIBP cross over scripted done and sent to Seth C. Triggs.  I am looking forward to this very much.  It's (from what I can tell) a completely unique way of doing a cross over and I hope people will come to appreciate it.

I am planning to be a dealer at MidWest FurFest.  I am looking forward to this as I will be flying out to Chicago to see my partner in crime, er comics, Akeem Lofton.  He's paying for the flight, so all I have to do is the rest of the work.

And as for my rant of May 25th... as far as I am concerned, I had my rant and I am moving on from it.  That's what these are... rants.  I let them out and I blow off steam.  I vent and feel better for it or at least stop feeling bad about it.  Though, I appreciate the comments I have received on it.

June 5th, 2006:  

A lot is happening in my life but I am not bothering to record it or keep mention of it.  Depression makes me lazy and worthless-feeling.  I will do a good news and bad news thing I guess for this entry.  Let’s start with the good.

Good News:  I have my learner’s once more.  I went in the other day and did my knowledge test so I am once again on track on getting my driver’s license.

Bad: That gay guy that wanted me to date him completely dumped me on our VR date... (just a bit of play before RL date.)  He as a bit of a jerk about it too and was telling me it was my fault.  After talking to him, it turns out its more his fault. I can see why he is single.  There ends my foray into that area of sexuality... for now at least.

Mixed:  My best friend is slowly getting over the death of his mother.  It’s been 2 weeks since she died and a week since the funeral.  He is sleeping it off more, which is good.  He’s getting back into his normal routine, but he still is in some pain.

Good:  My mother’s back from Bible Camp where she had a great time.

Bad:  I am off my art again.  Can’t seem to get it going for myself.  Just don’t want to draw, and I can’t seem to make myself do it either.  Akeem is late on the next few pages of Do The BearCat  as well.  I will have to either tell him to mail them to me or just start doing it myself.

Good:  I got my new Visa card. I went a week with out. Hated that.

The last one is bad:  I told the Salvation Army in New Westminster that I will not be returning anytime soon to help out in the volunteer program.  The meals I cooked up and served were always good and healthy, how ever they would give out old stores from the back room, the food being past due, in some cases up to 10 years.  One container of Ready to Serve tomato soup had turned BROWN!  So I was tossing out that soup and the stuff that has a best before date as 1996 when I was chewed out for this.  So I made up my mind to quit.

Gets worse.  The person in charge of it came out and told those who were left, (this after I went around and told a few people to be careful of what to eat and check the dates), that if they got sick form eating this stuff it would be their fault and that the salvation army would not be liable. Bullshit! The Salvation Army and the person in charge most certainly ARE liable for handing out past dated food, even if they tell ever one to check the dates. But they didn’t tell everyone to check the dates.  She only told SOME of the people!  SOME not ALL!  Not all of these people are fully mentally capable people.  And I am sure some of them can’t read. And I am sure some of them don’t read. 

No, I must quit over this. I am taking a moral stand and its against those who supposedly call themselves ‘servants of God.’ Bah, don’t make me laugh. 

May 25th, 2006:  

I think I might have found someone for me.  Kind, considerate, compassionate, and true to principals.  Does not drink, or smoke, or do drugs.  Loves me and makes me smile... and its a guy.  

Its strange out theses come upon me all at once.  I meet a potential boyfriend, something I would thought would never happen, and I don't know how to be or act.  I want to feel his love, I want to return it, but every time I think about being with him, I keep imagining my family walking in on 'us' and going off the deep end.  The last time the walked in on me and my now ex girlfriend cuddling up watching TV while sitting on my bed, I was so badly berated, that I lost all interest in sex and relationships.. and became practically impotent for 2 or 3 months.  I can just imagine what it would be like for them to meet a potential boyfriend...

Unfortunately, where I am in life is not where I wanted to be.  I am stuck at home, living in my parent's basement.  No job, no education, and feeling no hope.  Shit luck is the only luck I have it seems, as every time I start to feel some real happiness, something comes along and I start thinking about how ending my life is the only way left for me to go.  (I really don't want to think that way any more, it's not good for my health.)

Last night, when I was talking to Pan (that's his furry name, even though he is 90% out of the fandom currently), we were talking about how he would have to meet my family if we were dating.  My mind began to work, like it always does, on various scenarios about how it would play out.  In one scene, I see myself crying and wanting to kill myself.  Another, I see myself getting into a fist fight with my dad where I am unable to stop hitting him, letting the years of emotion abuse out finally in one major attack.  One more mindscape has me homeless and penniless on the street trying to look for work and get my life in order.. though I have seen two outcomes from that nightmare...  one being that I kill myself and finally end the pain, the other being that I finally make it, and eek out a meager existence for the rest of my life... (That really won't be so bad.)

Right now is a bad time for me though, so my emotionalism is a tad on the low side.  My best friend's mother died this past week, on Sunday.  The funeral is tomorrow for her.  Her son, my brother and I were the terror of the neighbourhood back in the late 70s and early 80s.  Things always come in three, so topping this is a battle I am apart of with my friend the court appointed shrink.  We are trying to save a young teen from a pervert who married her less than fully sane mother.  Daddy's a cheapskate too who is not paying us for our services so this is pretty much out of the goodness of our hearts.  So no money for work done as icing to this fun mix.  The worst part of it is, Mommy and Mr. Creep are winning.  Evil will always win because good is dumb.

But back to Pan, my angelwolf.  He does make me smile, and makes me feel wanted and welcomed.  I am so very lonely and so very unappealing in my own mind, that if I mess this up, I honestly believe I will be lonely for the rest of my life.  On one side, I take the chance and go for happiness at the risk of my life, the other hand, I stay status quo, and risk nothing, continue living in misery with brief flashes of contentment, but slowly spiraling down into nothingness...  I don't know what to do.  I want to date him, but he says he will want to meet my family if we do.  So... I guess I will stay single longer then.

April 20th, 2006:  

I don't know why I can't seem to keep on top of this web site like I can for Do The BearCat.  I guess it's just part of this low self esteem thing I have got going on for me right now; as in it is in the crapper and partially flushed...

Right now I am pretty steamed.  My ex-girlfriend, who still owes me quiet a chunk of money that she has been promising to pay me back on, but has yet to and now I find she is moving to a manor in the UK.  I get angry and send her an email reflecting that anger asking her what the fuck gives!  I mean, here I am using MY OWN MONEY to pay off the credit card bill SHE owes me on, and she is skipping the country.  Worst yet, she is trying to make me sound like the bad guy in this for finally demanding that she pay me back.  Her excuse for not paying me back, she is not going to stop living her life just to pay me back.  As it stands right now, the interest in what she owes me is almost equal to the amount she owes me, which brings the total to just under $1000.  I will be happy for her to pay me back the initial amount plus a bit of the interest for my trouble.  I did manage to pay it all off, negating the interest to me, but that out of debted-ness was short lived, and as such, I continue to pay interest on my day to day living.  Still, I would be happy if she just gave me $700 of it.

Hell at one point, I even offered a major discount.  All she had to do was pay me HALF of what she owed me, which at the time would have been just shy of $400.  I even offered to let her work it off for me;  she has training as a masseuse and  I was having terrible back and muscle pains at the time.  She said she couldn't do that because her 'master' would disapprove.  To date, I have only seen $20 of the amount she owes me and I get the feeling she only paid me that out of guilt and ONLY because she happened to show up at the same party I was at.  She has NO problem buying new things for herself, going out to events and for meals, and generally enjoying herself.  This is a person that needs to grow up, and trust me, I am an expert on the need to grow up because I have done alot myself over the years, but I still have a ways to go.  I am working on it.

I should be more forgiving, I should be more understanding... but I feel like a fucking door mat here.  Million dollar heart, 10 cent brain... that's me.  I have all the compassion in the world, but not the smarts to use it.  I am sure some who are reading this are going where is your compassion now?  Used up, at least as far as The Ex is concerned.

The money lent was because she cried to me that she couldn't afford to pay the movers.  She turned on that waterworks and I bought it.. in that I laid the plastic down to pay for the OVER PRICED move just across our small town...  But then she is very stupid when it comes to money.  She phoned up this company that had to come from the far side of Vancouver, a good 45 to an hour drive away... and of course they got lost on route so it took them up to 2 hours to get here... they charge by the hour... and where not in any hurry to get the job done.  Add on the cost of the holiday and boom, $600.  I was her ONLY FRIEND that showed up to help her move... and now I regret it.  I wish I had never helped her.  She is spoiled and childish, and a user of people.  

Sigh... I needed that rant.  I had given up on ever seeing that money until she contacted me yearly this year... she got my hopes up, which was foolish of me to do.  So right now, I am a couple of hundred in debt, jobless but looking, and she is off to the UK, to live in a manor, with out a care in the world.  Am I being selfish in thinking she is a bitch?

Still, I can have the last laugh if I want to be petty.  I found a naught webcam movie of her and have down loaded it to my hard drive.  Maybe I will start sharing it with everyone.

March 24th, 2006:  

I have been bad, neglecting this once more.  Heh, its ok.  I enjoy skipping things.  But then I have been good at maintaining Do The BearCat.  Well, as a web site.  I just went through it all and updated everything.  I should really get around to doing the same here but like with everything else in my life, I have a hard time getting my shit together.  

I have not been putting everything off mind you.  Later today, after a bit of a nap (I hope) and after my volunteer time at the New Westminster Salvation Army, I have a job interview.  So I have stayed up all night.. again.. and did up my resume finally.  It won't be much of a job, and I figure that it will close down before the end of the year (that or she will have to let me go), but its income for now IF I get the job.  I think I will because she is not advertising it and no one else has applied that I know of.  It will be just a little job at a private post office box establishment.  They do stamps, couriers, and private boxes.  Best of all, it is just two and a half blocks from where I live.

An income is what I really need right now.  Then I need to start saving, so that I can start doing things like increasing my education, taking a trip down South to Seattle or maybe way East to Wales, as well as planning for ConiFur this year.  So far, I have $38.18US toward my annual ConiFur trip... that is if there is a ConiFur this year.  (So far they don't have a venue listed on their website that has yet to be updated form ConiFur 2005.)

February 22nd, 2006:  

No big surprise that I miss a month before updating again.  I get into a rut so damn easily, that it becomes easy for me to give up at times.  Getting over bronchitis and the subsequent brain fog that cam form having that heavy antibiotics took its told on me in January.  I was pretty far gone for a while there and I was even missing art classes I had paid for at the New Westminster Community Education Department.  I am working on my pencil crayoning once more, taking more training to help refine my skill.

My skills in colouring with pencil crayons (coloured pencils for those in the US...) are improving.  I also took part in a intro to pen and inking and basic colouring, not and overly great course, but good for testing me on what my skills were as well as giving me some knowledge of stuff I didn't already know.  So I combined the result of the two classes for my final project.


I hate Valentine's Day in general.  Generally I tend to slow on my art from about Christmas to about just past Valentine's.  I just get so... down, so used up, and feeling so worthless that I actually give up on life for about 2 months.  Smack in the middle there is my birthday.  Doest not help that his past New Year's that I had to put my dog down, and then I came down with the nasty flu, both discouraging me from going further on wards, but despite that, I don't feel 'bad', just... disinterested.  I have a very good friend currently dying of cancer, a battle she has been fighting for 40+ years, and I put my back out, leaving me in excruciating pain when I first get up each day, but instead of giving up, I do my final project, which I feel is one of my best colouring images to date, despite having it on really shitty paper.  (The paper is better for pen and ink rather than high saturation and burnished pencil crayons.)

January 20th, 2006:  

For those who might be interested in what's been going, no I have not fallen off the face of the planet.  I just have not felt like keeping up with things and updating much.  This is bad of me, I know, but sometimes things like this can't be helped.

Last Friday was my birthday;  I turned 31 on January 13th, 2006.  My birthdays are nothing spectacular for me.  Birthdays are usually boring, dull, and uneventful when they are good.  This was also the first birthday in a long time with out having a pet in one from or another in my life.  For as long as I can remember, we had a pet in the Thompson house, and last week, on the 5th, we put her down; she had lived with us for 13+ years.

For my birthday, I got the flu, and was sick in bed for just over a week.  I am still feeling the effects of it, with minor congestion, dizziness, fatigue, and a dull headache.  The good news is that my fever is gone, I am not blowing my nose every minute, and most of my strength has returned.  I have been picking up at my art, despite feeling down and out still, because of the weekly deadlines for Do The BearCat.  Sometimes a deadline is all I need to get things done; not always but most of the time.

I am going to try and start colouring all the DTBCs from now on.  This is going to be a heavy task, but one I think I can handle.  Some of our fans have been asking about us colouring it form the beginning, but I really think I can handle this if I keep at it and not fall behind.  It is another challenge for 2006 for me to over come.  I have been bad for letting distractions get to me.  It is so easy for me to be lured away by the 'shiny' objects in my life, things like television, video games, and the Internet in general.

I have been tired though, feeling worn down for everything from previous years, but despite the wearing down from 2005, I am hopeful for 2006.  Even though the year has not started well, (it has been a horrible start to be honest) I don't feel any worse towards the new year.  I actually feel surprisingly optimistic about 2006, yet reserved;  I guess I still have a hard time keeping my hopes up. I still feel the doom and gloom of previous years, as well as a lack of focus in my life.  I still feel hopeless and despair in regards to the job front. I still think about suicide and how giving up is the only option compared to this self-torture I put myself through.  I still honestly don't seen anything happening for me in the coming year.  I can't see myself getting any decent job at least not one I can keep to my own.  I don't see myself being able to attend any schooling any time soon, save for the $105 work of night school classes I can afford at the Continuing Ed. Centre.  I really do feel hopeless and helpless.

January 6th, 2006:  

I am still not happy about it, but it had to be done.  So last night, at 4: 05pm, we took the last walk of Jenni the Dog of the Thompson Family to the Alpine Veterinary Hospital, where at 4: 45pm approx, we had her put down.

We first got Jenni in the Spring of 1993, Mid March I think, rescuing her from the pound. A huge dog, roughly the size of a small wolf or so it seemed, she immediately worked her way into our hearts and became an instant member of our family.  Not to mention she was very pregnant as well when we got her, but those pups were aborted.  She was named my Nana, who thought Jenny would be a nice name, but I changed the Y to an I to give her character, and did Jenni ever have character.

She was a HUGE dog, but very meek and small of herself.  She never of not rarely barked, hell she barely made any sound at all.  I remember when we first had her and had placed her on our sun deck, a good story up off the grass, with only a railing, no fencing around it so it was open.  She LEAPED from the deck onto a poor cat walking through our yard, scaring the feline half to death, but true to her nature, all Jenni wanted to do was play.  She was that way, always enjoy what was around her, even if she was not supposed to, but enjoying the good life after having a rough time out on the streets, fending for herself.

In the past 6 months, her health had began to deteriorate rapidly.  Her ears were constantly full of puss, her hips had all but given out, she had completely lost her hearing (not that she had much left), and she had lost 30 to 35lbs.  And when she started popping all the time, especially on the rug, behind the barricade we put up to keep her away, well, that was it. The evil that she left behind on that rug was so fowl, so disgusting, that you know she is no longer healthy.  So we put her down...

December 15th, 2005:  

You know who your friends are when your chips are down, especially in this season of 'Holiday Cheer' when we are supposed to be at our best, but most are at their worst.  We should all be caring and compassionate, but really, people are cheep and greedy.  I love the meaning of Christmas so much, but I hate the 'holidays'.


Yesterday, the 14th, I fell apart.  I hit the last straw and broke down into tears for well over half an hour.  I managed to pick myself back up and put myself back together, but I was on the verge of going into tears again for the remainder of the day.  And the worst part of it was I was feeling so selfish for breaking down and crying... that I should have been able to keep it in a while longer, and made it through Christmas. I was punishing myself while I was sobbing as if I was trying to give myself a good reason to cry.

It was a stupid thing really that pushed me over the edge.  I could not find my hoody!  I looked all over for my pull over, but just could not find it.  Stomping up the stairs, I pounded my fist against the wall, snagging on the wire to my earphones, breaking them as they flew from my ears.  This in turn made me more upset so when I got to the top of the stars, I kicked out, and hit the cupboard door, shattering it... then I started to cry... and I could not stop.

I was at the lowest point emotionally for myself for the entire year.  I was even thinking of suicide, I was so low feeling.  And right now, I am just... blah.  I am trying to keep as neutral as possible to keep myself from going even more insane.  What is wrong with me?  Fuck if I know any more.  I am just gone, worn down, and feeling used up.

I look at my life in the future and its not a pretty picture.  I will be living here in my parent's basement until they die or kick me out.  Eventually, when they pass on, my brother and I will sell the assets and I will take my half and get a cheep ass apartment somewhere by myself.  I will live there in the hovel until my money runs out. I will get little part time jobs, odds and sods to pay for little bits of this and that.  Eventually the money will run out and I will be kicked out on the street, where I will die, alone and penniless, and before my time.

December 14th, 2005:  

I have been weepy lately. Not really crying, but feeling emotional and having tears well up, but not really cry... I was like that on Sunday, the 11th when I saw Narnia at the local New West Cinemas

The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe was a good movie, though it did lack some. I felt it should have been 30mins longer, and they left out some of my favourite little bits. Like when Father Christmas gave Mrs. Beaver her sewing machine... or when the forest creators were celebrating Christmas, and the White Witch turned them to stone to punish them for their merriment. The sound track was not awe-inspiring like The Lord of the Rings was, and felt commercialized for the ending credits; how typically Disney of them. I wish they had got a full orchestra to have done the sound track. Get people into it with good music and moving sounds, not some wanta-be crooner who sounds like she came form a lame ass Hilary Duff movie.

But, aside form the shitty sound track, it was decent movie; LtoR was better though. Still, I kept feeling emotional through out it. This is no big feat mind you, considering how easily emotional I have been lately. I just seem to be getting upset for no reason, either snapping and barking at everyone, or just breaking down into tears for no good reason. I get wrapped up with what I see and read and part take in, and I feel the welling of tears once more. I almost wish I could break down and cry completely... I think it would let some of my inner shit out, and free me from it.

December 7th, 2005:  

Christmas is more than just gifts. Christmas is a state of mind. Christmas is sharing, loving, and caring. Christmas is not greedy, selfish, or about out doing one another. Christmas is about remembering one’s friends & family, and forgiving and moving on. Too many want to hate Christmas because it’s a religious holiday. Too many want to hate Christmas because it’s a commercial holiday. Too many want to hate Christmas because they just want something to hate, and don’t enjoy seeing so many working so hard at the attempts of happiness. Christmas is a lot like the rest of the year, or should be; good times, good friends, and feeling happy for what we have, not what we are getting.

This is the time of year I need to feel it most... to feel that I am worth something. Christmas, my birthday, and Valentine’s Day... *sigh* I best not dwell on it, because I will undo the affect the fire and tree and the music are having on me. It’s a calming effect and leaves me feeling relaxed. I need that.


I have fixed the link for my Art Archive.  It should be working at this time.  Now, all I have to do is get in gear, get out of my depression and end my procrastination and complete the rest of the site.

December 5th, 2005: 

I am back home safe from visiting Seattle for an Art Jam. It has been many, many moons since last I was down that way. It was good to see many people there and feel welcomed. I just wish it didn’t cost so much money to go down. $28 South bound and $25 North bound, plus $6.50 for lunch, and another $2.50 for Seattle Transit to and from the ‘U’ District and the Downtown core where the AmTrak station is. I also spent about $14 to $15 on postage to mail John his Christmas gifts. Total spendings:   $77US.

I didn’t get much of any new art done. What I did get done I feel I did not do as good a job as I could have and that was a drawing for Mitch de la Gardia, who’s art has improved incredibly over the past few years. Most people who saw what little art I did have said I have improved a lot and that my stuff is cute; it is always good to get compliments from your peers, even when you think you are not.

I just wish I had not started to get tired and weak so early. By 10pm I was more than ready for bed. But that was good for me because most of the group was heading to the movies to seen the AEON FLUX movie, which if I recall, is a movie based on a crappy MTV cartoon, which was based on an equally lame comic book, but had a brief cult following. The jam host, Doc, was not pleased about this because he felt that his event was hijacked by a roomy, a roomy he wants to get away from. Over all, I give the event a ‘B’.

October 27th, 2005:  

Well, I am back form ConiFur 2005 where I had fun.  I finally got to meet alot of friends form FurryMUCK and Tapestries as well as the very cute and chibi Miss Mab. Actually, she is as scary as they come, but still alot of fun to hang around with.  And yes, she is cute, but scary! And I got to meet Akeem Lofton, a.k.a. Hunni,  my partner of Do The BearCat.  A great guy and good friend, I am so glad I finally met him.  Took him long enough to show up.  Heh, he kept missing his flight and then when he finally landed in Seattle, he got lost on route from airport to the hotel JUST long enough so that he missed me going out for dinner.

Seth Triggs, the mad man behind Buddies in Big Places, and his roomies at ConiFur, had just taken me out for dinner (thankfully as I was out of money) about 5 mins BEFORE Akeem arived.  The entire meal the convince me, because I had made mention I think Longtail is cute, that I should ask her out.  So I finally get my nerve up to ask her out only to find out she is already out on a date.  (Heh, my luck with women.. combined with my nasty habit to procrastinate.)  But I did get a hug form her earlier in the day, so I am happy.  

I was too busy anyways...  I was drafted into being Con Staff, not that I did a lot of work, I did do some, quiet often after running a table all day, and coming in either early in the morning to see if they needed me, or late at night.  In all, I did a little bit each day, but I wish I had done more.  Still it was fun and I got to pretend I actually was someone in charge and important for a few hours.    I have been asked to come back next year as staff.  I think I just might as they need what help they can get.

And my final bit for this entry is to bitch about Greyhound, who left me and several other passengers stranded at the very southern end of Bellingham, WA.  The engine was billowing smoke, and lots of it;  very thick and nasty on the lungs.  Fortunately, the Food Pavilion at Exit 250 on the I-5 in WA let us crash in their mini lobby area next to their deli.  Starving, I took advantage of this and devoured a 2 piece chicken meal deal they had.  For KFC-wannabe, it was damn good, and unlimited Pepsi kept my cola levels up. (Though personally, I'm a Coke drinker.)  So many thanks to the Food Pavilion on Fair Haven, just off the I-5 in Washington State, and for anyone passing by, stop in at them and buy something in thanks.

September 30th, 2005: 

The site's Index has been restored.  A few images have been re-uploaded too and touched up.  This will take a while and probably wont' be done seriously until next week.

Right now I am busy making my push to find the basement.  As some of you may or may not know, I am living with my family, a truly sanity-draining experience.  Here I am, age 30, and stuck living here, because I can't seem to find a job that lasts longer than a few months.  So as a way of gaining some feeling of independence, I am taking over the basement.  

For the past few days, I have been tearing into cleaning up the sty left by my father down there.  He is a total pig when it comes to his living environment;  I know know where I get my untidiness form, as I do live in clutter.  As bad as my clutter is, I at least clean up after myself, something father can't seem to do.  He seems all fine and dandy until I ask him to help and then he goes into how bad his back is.  Of course, his back wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't 350+ Lbs, cut back on his eating, and maybe did a bit of exercise.  Fuck, I am trying hard not to end up like him.

September 27th, 2005:  

It has been months, but I am slowly getting things in my life back to normal. Whatever normal is...

Living with depression can be so dehabilitating. You feel so weak and pathetic all the time and you convince yourself 100% that you are both worthless and week and you can do a damn thing about it. And you want to do as little as possible, but still get away form that feeling of dread and disappointment. Its far too easy to slip away into a pit of self-worthlessness, that stand up for yourself.

Distractions are VERY good at taking you away form this, and for the past several years, I have been distracted by my on line games. I have always been into playing games, and being on line with FurryMUCK, Tapestries, and Furcadia, but about 5 years ago, I got into playing EverQuest, a truly absorbing game that sucked the 'want' form me for countless untold thousands of hours. I am now 99.44% done with EQ, and I say good riddance. Don’t get me wrong, at the time, I loved playing it, but over the years, since Sony took over it form Verrant, it has become more and more of a hard core gamers platform.   For a while I also played a fun little FREE game called RuneScape. My new fixation is World of WarCarft (WoW), but this time, I am taking is much less seriously.

The problem with Massive MultiPlayer On-Line Roll Playing Games (MMORPG) is that they both incredibly time consuming, and highly addictive, but cheep entertainment if you think about it. At approx $15CND a month, it works out to 50cents a day to play. The problem is you want to play constantly, even when its not fully fun or entertaining, just so you can better this fictional character you play.

The trick to these games is moderation. You have to ease back on the time you are on line. That’s what I am doing with some success now that I am playing WoW. Instead of playing on line, I am typing this out. This past weekend, I cleaned up part of the basement, and I still have a pile of work to keep me busy.


Do The BearCat, the ADULT web-comic that I am the inker/writer for is doing well. We have over 30 000 hits and its only going up. The Belfry WebComics Index lists DTBC as the 75th most popular furry on line comic, and we are at #526 on The Webcomic List. I am happy for the success, now to push it more out there.

I am going to be working on getting the art section, at least in part, on line next. I am hoping to set up a new comic as well that I have been working on, as well as a few comic projects I have been working on. Eventually I want to get a forum set up for others to come to and give me advice and ask questions; maybe a web group like Yahoo Groups, but something other than yahoo. If anyone has suggestions, please e-mail me.

© 1998 - 2008 Michael Thompson