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January 9th, 2008:  

Let's Get This Ball Rolling

A new year, a new start, and a new chance to get things done finally. I am absolutely horrible at getting anything done it seems, but I know the reason for that already; fatigue and depression mixed with a lack of restful sleep. I am always exhausted, so I am always too blah'd out to do anything. Even now, as I type this, all I want to do is curl up and go back to sleep, but sleeping now won't get this done. As it is, I have been neglecting this for months, and it has taken me a few days to get started on this renovation of my website.

So let's go down the list of things to get done. I have my comic & artwork, my schooling, new job search, and my personal life to all talk about. This entry WILL be deeply personal, just to warn you.


Comic & Artwork

Do The BearCat is going along slowly as ever, but some work has been made on it. Now that I have some more time, I will be drawing more and I hope to be working hard on everyone's favourite comic. I have been drawing a bit more of late, thought I have not posted much to Fur Affinity. The not much of what I have been drawing has been all gift art or going to the various fanzines I am in, so I have not had a lot of art to share with you the viewing public. I am hoping to get going on drawing more UnHappy Valentine's in the near future as well. And finally, I want to get going on the many requests I have backed up... I have so many, I can't even begin to list them all, but for the most part, most of them will get done eventually. Let's face it, 2007 was a disappointment for art from me, here's hoping that 2008 will be much better.

One thing I HAVE to have done by the end of this month is have my contribution for South Fur Lands ready as I have been really bad for falling behind on such things. I have meant to have had stuff drawn and finished by now, but being tired and distracted, drawing has taken a seat well behind the back burner.

Since it looks like I am going to FC2008, I should be able to get an artistic jump start to help me get something going for me. This will be my first time to California, so if nothing else, this will be an adventure.



And I thought I had neglected my art, however my schooling has truly stagnated. In the next week, I am hoping to post an on line survey that I am hoping to get more than a glance at from all of you. I am hoping to take an honest to goodness pole of peoples' feelings and thoughts so I can gain more an insight for myself. Then with this new found wealth of information, I hope to write a paper, the first of many...

For my B.A., I am hoping to take a broad range of study, not going for anything specific, but just study everything until I have enough credits to get my degree in General Studies. From there, I can go into something more specific for my M.A. should I decide to go for that as well. The nice things about doing things this way is that I get to study a bit of this and a bit of that, and in the process, finally figure out who I am and what is my purpose in life is.


New Job Search

...will be put on the back burner for now. I really should go find a new job right away, but I think for this week and maybe the next, I am going into recovery mode. With all the not-sleeping I have been doing (or is that not doing..?) ...with all this lack of sleep that has been plaguing me of late, I am finding it very difficult to focus on anything for more than 5 to 10 mins at a time, and even then, I quite often have to read, and reread various line of text over and over again because my brain is just having a deuce of a time trying to process any of it. So I am hoping that a time away from everything will give me the rest and recovery I need to start anew once more.

This does have my in high hopes, mind you. This seems to be part of a pattern that has me working 6 months to a year then coming down in a crash of some sorts. It has me questioning my self worth, my self resolve, my self confidence, and my self determination. It's all in my head mind you, but to what level can I curve this and how much of it is beyond my control? The not sleeping being a big factor, but even still, I can I force myself through all of this despite being barely awake some mornings.


Let's Get Personal

I am a lonely SOB as you all may or may not know... almost desperate we'll say. But then it's very hard to find love when you don't love yourself. No one is more hard on Michael than Michael. This is very true; I am very down on myself most of the time. The Internet provides too much potential comfort, so much so that I will spend my entire day sitting on line rather than doing anything to help me just because I NEED something; toss me a freaking bone here!

When I am not playing World of WarCraft, I spend a lot of my time on Furcadia. Oh, sure, I still spend time on FurryMUCK & Tapestries, but I tend to find more interaction on Furcadia; it's a case of quantity over quality... That and I often lurk on my MSM or ICQ, as I often will do on the afore mentioned MU*s, just waiting sometimes for someone to say 'hi'. Despite the safety I feel with in the VR environment, I have developed a shyness that makes it hard for me to reach out to people sometimes, that is until I really get to know them.

Recently I have had a few come to me to tell me of their undying love for me which has me feeling very good and special when I am with them on line, and couple want to invite me to be their boyfriend/mate. (A couple more just want me to come by for sex...) This has me feeling confused and unsure in part for a few reasons, most importantly that these people who love me so are all males. On line, my roleplayed, virtual, furry-self is quiet lusty, and will sleep around with both the men and the ladies, but to take up these offers, out in the real world... it's a big and scary step.

Despite the liberal world we live in, most of the people I know in the real world would not understand and I fear accept me for taking a boyfriend of my own. Just too many haters... So, do I swap one kind of emotional pain for another? Drop one kind of acceptance for another but have someone who loves me and wants to care for me? Risk it all for the warmth of another soul that I can share and be intimate with? Fuck, I am so torn. And the worst part, is that I really don't have anyone here in the real world where I live that I can go to talk about this. And no offense to all those of you reading this who are willing to talk to me about this, but I would rather have a face to face talk about this with someone that a computer text screen; this is probably the biggest deal in my life and as such, I just need to look at someone as I am talking to them, see their body language as I explain myself to them. *sigh* I will figure it out though.

One thing I decided to do, which is probably a step in the direction I am leaning, is to go and by a couple of toys from Zeta Creations. On line, when I am with another male, I am often the bottom, but I have never er... had the pleasure let's say, personally. Seems like everything in my life now a days is a big step.


The Wrap Up

Okay, in summery then... I am not sleeping all that much and when I do, I am not getting the rest I need. As such, I have not been drawing as much as I would have liked, but I am hoping to get a dent put into the huge back log of art I should be doing, including a whack of new DTBCs. Sometimes this month I am going to try and get a forum up somewhere to discuss depression and anxiety as part of my schooling projects. As such, I will want to have as many of you to help me with this, even if just anonymously with feed back and base information.

I quit my job, so eventually, I will have to go look for a new one, however, for the time being I will be resting and recovering so I will be able to work it when I do find a new one. While I am off work, I am going to look into myself and figure out who I am. Important stuff like 'coming out'... I am so tired of being lonely, and with someone in my life, I might finally get over a lot of my low self-esteem issues.

Oh well... Happy New Year everyone!

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