"This year's litter are particularly strong and beautiful, Bellonna. You
should be proud." The young female, Castel said.
"I am proud," Bellonna answered, "All three are big and healthy
and they are good cubs. I am thankful to Tearis."
"Beware, Bellonna," Andonis, a much older female cautioned, "For
Tearis has given you but two good cubs. The third is afflicted."
"Andonis, what can you mean?" Castel said, glancing at Bellonna nervously.
"Are they not healthy, Bellonna?"
Bellonna cast a dreading look at Andonis, then stared at the ground.
Andonis laughed dryly. "Bellonna knows all is not well with one of her
cubs, do you not, Bellonna?"
"It is true, I know it." Bellonna whispered, "But I know not
what it is and I fear it." She looked up to Andonis, "Do you know
what kind of affliction my Fayn-Tharal has?"
"Fayn-Tharal!" Castel gasped, "But he is the strongest and bravest
of the three and he is even more beautiful that his sisters."
"True, true." Andonis sighed sadly, "But he has an ancient affliction
for which there is no cure. I know it well for I have seen it before. He has
a ghost-within that haunts him. It cries for freedom all day and gives him nightmares
all through the hours of Tearis. He whimpers in the small hours of pre-dawn
when it whispers terrible promises in his head."
"What can be done for him?" Bellonna asked tremulously.
"Nothing. He must dominate the ghost-within on his own or he will die.
Pray that Tearis will guide him, for his battle will not be easy for one so
young. Pray to Tearis."
Fayn-Tharal leapt to the boulder perched at the very edge of the bluff and stared
out at the vast land below him. All that land excited him more than anything.
His heart fluttered in his deep chest and his eyes sparkled with a feverish
glazing. He was so absorbed in the hugeness of all that space that he almost
didn't feel his Other-Self stirring deep inside him. Luckily, he recognised
the painful yearning that the Other-Self always brought before it took over.
The yearning was so strong this time that it made him nauseous. With a great
deal of effort, he sank to the boulder beneath him and closed his eyes to concentrate
on persuading the Other-Self to retreat back to the depths of his soul.
He had learnt very early in his life that the only way to truly win the battle
for his body that arose so often was to persuade the Other-Self. In the beginning
he had panicked when the Other-Self came. He would fight it madly and force
it to retreat. The Other-Self would thrash within him as if it were fighting
for its life. The struggle was always desperate and savage and many times Fayn-Tharal
almost lost. As the Other-Self faded away, its anguish and defeat would cause
Fayn-Tharal deep, crippling pain. Sometimes he would do things that the Other-Self
fought so hard to do and the pack would whisper words that protect against evil.
Some of them wanted him killed.
Fayn-Tharal came to dread the episodes his Other-Self caused, and so when he
felt the deep stirrings inside, he would plead with it to leave him alone. Sometimes
this worked, and so Fayn-Tharal learnt.
"Fayn!"
The cry from behind him startled him and he tried to rise, but the nausea swept
over him and he suddenly felt weak. He sank helplessly back down on the boulder.
"What's the matter, Fayn? What are you doing all the way up here?"
It was the bigger of his two sisters, Passnay. She came to stand beside him
and peered down at him.
"It's not the Ghost-Within again, is it?" She asked softly.
Fayn-Tharal nodded and tried again to rise, this time successfully. He was the
only one that called his affliction his 'Other-Self', everyone else called it
the 'Ghost-Within' thanks to old Andonis.
"You shouldn't come to places like this, Fayn. You know it always brings
the Ghost-Within. Why do you tempt it?"
Fayn-Tharal growled and jumped gingerly off the boulder, Passnay right behind
him.
"Mother says you shouldn't give the Ghost-Within opportunities." Passnay
said, following him down the tiny path that led to the bluff.
"What would she know?"
"I would not speak such disrespectful words in her hearing. She is much
older and wiser than we are."
"That doesn't mean she cannot ever be wrong."
"What do you hope to achieve with this attitude, Fayn? The pack does not
like it."
"The pack can go to Tearis!"
"Fayn! You know that the pack mistrusts you. If they wanted you dead, Mother
and Father would not deny them the right." Passnay said, stopping on the
path.
"I don't care!" Fayn-Tharal declared, "I hate them all. I hate
the order and the democracy. It's all just a cage."
"It is not Fayn-Tharal that speaks. It is the Ghost-Within." Passnay
said in a hushed voice.
"It is Fayn-Tharal! Let no one deny it!"
Passnay shook her head with a sob. "It cannot be. My brother would not
speak against the pack so. He knows the pack is his survival."
"Passnay, there have been wolves that left the pack. There are lone wolves."
"Do not think of leaving the pack, Fayn, I beg you. The lone wolves die."
Fayn-Tharal looked at his distressed sister and regretted his words. They were
out now, though, and he was not prepared to denounce them, so he said sadly,
"Pity your poor afflicted brother, Passnay, for the pack is killing him
already."
"Fayn, you know not how your words injure those who love you. Please do
not repeat them."
Fayn-Tharal closed his eyes and was tempted to let the Other-Self emerge, but
he knew it for the trap it was and shook the thought away. Instead, he left
his sister on the tiny path and slipped into the forest.
Fayn-Tharal went to the swiftly flowing river to drink. As he dipped his muzzle
into the chilly water, he heard the mingling howls of the pack. What was music
to many was a clamorous, offensive noise to him and his head came up in irritation.
Not for the first time, he angrily suppressed the desire to add his own voice
to the chorus.
He hated the ideals and the false freedom of the pack. Pack wolves blindly devoted
their lives to the pack, even though it meant many of them didn't even get a
chance to breed. They believed the pack symbolised perfect order and co operation
and ensured their freedom and survival.
"Freedom!" Fayn-Tharal scoffed to himself, "Order suppresses
freedom. It doesn't ensure it, it prevents it."
He wasn't fooled by the pack mentality. He had vowed long ago when he saw that
he could never be free in the pack that he would leave as soon as the opportunity
arose.
The pack howled again and Fayn-Tharal realised they wanted to hunt and would
not do so until every member was present. With a resigned sigh, he lifted his
head to let them know he was coming.
"Where have you been all this time?" Tasa-Ru, the pack leader asked
of his son, sniffing him suspiciously.
"Forgive me, Father, I was far out near the boundaries." Fayn-Tharal
said stiffly, ignoring the questioning look from Passnay.
"Why do you lie to me, son?" Tasa-Ru hissed so that only his son could
hear him, "The boundaries are dangerous and I have forbidden you to go
there. Besides, I can smell where you have really been and you know it. Why
do you shame me by telling me untruths?"
"I shame only myself."
"Fayn-Tharal, your current attitude disturbs me. I do not want to be compelled
to allow your death. The pack trusts you not and wait for a reason to expel
you. Your affliction makes them more inclined to wait for a reason to kill you.
Please don't let it come to that."
Fayn-Tharal's demeanor softened. "I hear you, Father, and I take heed.
Know that my actions are fully informed."
Tasa-Ru sighed. "Walk with me, Fayn." He said, turning and leading
the pack into the forest. Fayn-Tharal remained by his side.
"I know you dislike pack life and wish to leave it. I ask you to reconsider.
I think you know the fate of most lone wolves, and my heart would break if you
ever met the same fate. I care for you, Fayn, and I think you have enormous
potential. You are strong and brave, Fayn-Tharal, you could rise to alpha male
someday."
A bitter laugh escaped Fayn-Tharal. "Father, have you forgotten? I am afflicted,
I carry the Ghost-Within and the pack doesn't trust me. They would tear me apart
before allowing me to lead them."
"Perhaps you are wrong, Fayn-Tharal. Who is top wolf amongst the youngsters?
You are, and you have never fought a single opponent."
"They fear the throes of the Other-Self." Fayn-Tharal said softly
and with a hint of sadness, looking at the ground, now.
Tasa-Ru knew this side of his son that few saw, and he pitied poor Fayn-Tharal.
Fayn wanted to be a normal wolf that was not universally feared and mistrusted.
He wanted the endless pain that few knew he suffered to end.
"Be strong, son, and anything can happen." Tasa-Ru said.
Fayn-Tharal looked up at his father and Tasa-Ru suppressed a shudder at the
haunted look of the Ghost-Within in Fayn's eyes. Why couldn't the Ghost-Within
ever leave Fayn-Tharal in peace? Why must it insist on plaguing his poor son,
causing pain and denying rest? Surely one day Fayn-Tharal would finally tire
and the Ghost-Within would triumph. What would happen to brave Fayn-Tharal then?
"What position will you take in the hunt today?" Tasa-Ru asked, looking
away from his son's eyes.
"Today I will hunt on the right flank with the main body of the pack."
"I would have you decoy."
Fayn-Tharal chuckled lowly, a sound that seemed to have an alien ring to it.
"You fear I would purposely spoil the hunt." It wasn't a question,
it was a statement.
Tasa-Ru stared at Fayn-Tharal, concealing his shock. Purposely spoiling the
hunt was a heinous crime in the pack that often resulted in expulsion. Even
considering such a thing was enough to turn the pack against you. How had Fayn-Tharal
known Tasa-Ru's deeply buried fears?
"Fayn!" Tasa-Ru gasped, "Do not put such thoughts in my head!
Do not speak such things where others can hear you! I would not think my own
son capable of such crime."
Fayn-Tharal laughed softly again. "Do not fear, Father, I am not that suicidal
yet! I will decoy as you wish." With that, he left his father, walking
on ahead.
Tasa-Ru stilled the frightened thumping of his heart and watched his son carefully,
scared of what he would do. He seemed to have no sense of decent discretion,
saying such felonious things out loud. It almost was suicidal. Reckless enough
to shock brave Tasa-Ru to the core, anyway.
Tasa-Ru tried to read Fayn's body language for any hints of his intentions,
but Fayn-Tharal's strong young body betrayed nothing. He walked confidently
through the dappled shadows of the forest, instinctively keeping to the dark
patches where he was best camouflaged. Everyone agreed that he was a magnificent
wolf - large and heavily muscled, enviable colouring, graceful movement - and
yet, there was that something about him that seemed to warn of great danger,
a monster lurking just beneath the surface.
"Passnay tells me our son wants to leave the pack." Bellonna said
softly, coming up beside her mate.
"It is true, dear Bellonna. I fear for him. He is young and vulnerable
and the Ghost-Within will not leave him in peace."
Bellonna sighed. "He is strong, but the pack grows more discontent every
day. Perhaps it would be better if he left."
Tasa-Ru grunted, knowing that Bellonna was right but unwilling to condemn his
poor afflicted son to such a fate. "Fayn-Tharal lives a life of pain and
trial. Why should it have to chase him into adulthood so? Tearis has cursed
him and she has cursed us with watching his pain helplessly. I sometimes fear
that he wishes to destroy himself."
"It is a tragedy," Bellonna agreed, "But maybe he will conquer
the Ghost-Within and become the strongest wolf of all time. Andonis says the
wolf she knew that had the Ghost-Within lost the battle in the first few months
of life. She says she is surprised Fayn-Tharal is still fighting."
"Fayn-Tharal will always fight as long as there is something to fight for."
The deer herd carefully watched as Fayn-Tharal edged around them and settled
in the grass nearby. He hated acting decoy, but he was good at it. He would
hold any herd's unwavering attention right up until the strike merely by lurking
close to the animals. His trick was to pretend that he was a clumsy hunter scouting
the herd. His suspicious interest was always quickly noticed by the herd and
every last animal would watch him cautiously. Some wolves whispered that his
Ghost-Within hypnotised the animals their attention was so complete.
Fayn-Tharal emerged from the grass and trotted nonchalantly around the herd,
watching them as they watched him. Behind them now, the pack was in place and
ready to strike. Fayn-Tharal made a false start towards the herd, making them
all run in the opposite direction just as the flanking wolves darted forward,
singling out the chosen animal and snapping at its sides.
The deer ran faster, right into the main body of the pack. It was a very quick
hunt. The deer went down before Fayn-Tharal reached the fray, much to his disappointment.
That was the reason he detested decoy so much. The decoy hardly ever got to
help bring the animal down. Fayn-Tharal hungered for living flesh in his teeth.
When he was actively hunting like that, the pain of the Other-Self never came.
It hungrily soaked up the taste of the kind of freedom it craved. The only problem
was that it sometimes got carried away and surfaced without him even knowing.
There was no painful yearning or lurking insanity to warn him and the Other-Self
would bring the prey down on its own, sending Fayn-Tharal temporarily into the
depths that it resided in.
Nothing bad ever happened when the Other-Self hunted, in fact, the Other-Self
was an exceptional hunter. However, it was obvious to the pack when it surfaced,
and it upset them greatly. That was why Fayn-Tharal spent so much time as decoy.
Fayn-Tharal tried to bury his discontent and stepped up to the steaming carcase
to eat his share. He was shocked out of his thoughts by an angry snarl and flash
of teeth barring his way. He looked up at the bristling form of Saff, the beta
male, second-in-command. He growled and stared warningly at Fayn, teeth bared.
In a second, Fayn-Tharal abandoned all half-formed decisions of what to do -
most of which involved him backing away submissively - as he felt the Other-Self
rushing into every cell of his body in an unstoppable flood. He tried desperately
to stem the tide, but by that time he held only a tiny portion of his awareness
against the ghostly penetrations of the Other-Self.
Fayn-Tharal felt his lips pull back to reveal his teeth, his hackles raise,
his ears flick forwards. Frantically, he begged the Other-Self to see reason
and back off, let him deal with it, but it was angry and refused to listen.
In horror, Fayn-Tharal felt himself lunge at Saff with snapping jaws. In slow
motion it seemed, Saff tried to return the attack in kind, but his movements
appeared slow and clumsy to Fayn-Tharal and he easily dodged and wove until
he had Saff's throat in his jaws and was shaking, shaking and tearing and biting.
Blood filled his mouth and the Other-Self gulped it hungrily. Fayn-Tharal was
revolted by the Other-Self's thoughts and actions and continued to plead for
control, terrified of what his body was doing to Saff.
"Fayn-Tharal! Fayn, stop!" A commanding voice boomed. The voice was
his father's and Fayn cried to him,
"Father! Help me! It is not I!"
Other voices in the background said his name, but he could not understand them.
"Fight it, Fayn! You are stronger!"
Fayn-Tharal tried to see his father, but everything was blurry. When would the
Other-Self stop? With sudden dread, Fayn-Tharal realised the Other-self wouldn't
stop until Saff was dead. If Saff was to be saved, Fayn-Tharal would have to
fight the Other-Self like he did when he was younger.
Blocking out all thoughts of the agony that he knew would follow, Fayn-Tharal
attacked the Other-Self with his psyche, forcing it to forget Saff and focus
on the far more critical battle within.
The Other-Self threw itself onto Fayn-Tharal's awareness and seemed to attack
him from all sides. Fayn gritted his teeth and endured the onslaught until he
got a chance to fight back, then he slowly but surely beat the Other-Self back
to where it belonged. Then the pain came, worse then ever before.
"Fayn-Tharal, look at me."
It was his father again. He opened his eyes and found that this time things
weren't so blurry. He writhed on the ground and cried out, struggling to beat
the pain like he beat the Other-Self.
"Fayn?"
"I'm sorry, Father, it came so fast, I didn't have time..."
"It's all right, Fayn, I understand."
Fayn tried to say something more, but the words were lost as a wave of agony
engulfed him, squeezing his insides in a vice and pushing against his bones.
He groaned and bore the pain, twisting on the ground with his eyes shut tight.
Finally, the terrible pain ebbed away, leaving Fayn weak and gasping. He struggled
to his feet and looked around. He was alone with his father, ten metres away
from the carcase where the pack was crowded around the bloody Saff.
"Is he all right, Father?" Fayn-Tharal asked worriedly, grimacing
as another, smaller wave of pain washed over him.
"He will be fine." Tasa-Ru said. He watched as Fayn-Tharal winced
and staggered, frightened to get too close to him. The youngster had almost
killed the pack's second-in-command! And he didn't have a scratch on him.
"It came so fast." Fayn gasped.
"You defeated it, though, and with great pain to yourself you saved Saff's
life. I am proud of you."
"The pain isn't as bad as it would have been had I killed Saff."
"You would not do such a thing. It was the Ghost-Within."
Fayn shook his head sadly. "We are one and the same. That is why it hurts
so much to beat it." He sank to the ground with a stifled moan.
Tasa-Ru ventured close enough to give his son a nudge.
Fayn-Tharal groaned and pulled himself to his feet again. Tasa-Ru quietly studied
his son while he recovered his strength. Fayn-Tharal's muscles twitched under
his skin with pain and effort, and his muzzle and teeth were stained with blood,
but his eyes were his own. They were mostly unseeing as Fayn concentrated on
his pain, but they were clear and piercing and terribly remorseful and harassed.
The sight of those eyes sent daggers of pain into Tasa-Ru's heart. Why? Why
had Tearis cursed poor Fayn-Tharal? The familiar questions and sadness were
too much for Tasa-Ru and he turned away from his son.
"Father, do you revile me?" Fayn-Tharal asked in a fearful voice.
Suddenly, he wasn't the strong, brave wolf that he appeared, but the scared,
vulnerable cub that had touched Tasa-Ru's heart like no cub had ever touched
it before.
Tasa-Ru faced Fayn-Tharal again, trying to hide his terrible sorrow. "No
son, I don't. I am proud of your strength."
"No," Fayn-Tharal said, the haunting of the Ghost-Within in his voice,
"Revile me for I have no strength."
Tasa-Ru shook his head and headed back to where Bellonna was calming the pack.
What could Fayn-Tharal mean? It was clear to Tasa-Ru that the daily struggle
with the Ghost-Within required great strength.
"Is he all right?" Bellonna asked softly.
"He doesn't have a scratch on him, but a war was fought inside him and
he bears terrifying pain."
"Poor Fayn," Bellonna whispered, "I think the pack will demand
his expulsion."
"But he is so strong! Look how he defeated Saff. I would have him take
his place as beta male. Besides, he needs our protection."
"Tasa, other cubs have left before and you did not worry. Why is it so
different for Fayn-Tharal? He did not defeat Saff, the Ghost-Within did, and
would have killed him. Who will be next? Maybe next time Fayn-Tharal will not
be able to stop the Ghost-Within."
Tasa-Ru sighed sadly. "I just worry about what will happen to Fayn-Tharal
with no loved ones around to keep him grounded and watch out for him. His grip
on reality and his Ghost-Within is tenuous and I think he needs us and the pack
as a reason to keep fighting. What will happen to him if he stops?"
"You love him more than any cubs before, yet he is afflicted. You know
we can't favour affliction."
"I know it, but Fayn-Tharal is special. He is strong inside as well as
out, and he has a gentle, caring soul. He would make an excellent pack leader."
"Where is Fayn-Tharal, Tasa?"
"Just over there." Tasa-Ru said, turning. He stopped. Fayn-Tharal
was gone.
Fayn-Tharal loped down a slope, taking care not to leave his tracks in the
pine needles on the ground. He no longer had the protection of the pack and
so he needed to get into the habit of living without it.
He felt strangely excited with the knowledge that he had finally left the pack.
The opportunity had come and so he had taken it. After the attack on Saff the
pack would have probably outcast him anyway. Not that he cared either way.
Fayn-Tharal was just a little awed at his defeat of Saff. How had he done it?
It had been as if Saff was moving in slow motion. Fayn had realised the significance
of Saff's easy defeat while he was recovering from the fight with his Other-Self,
watching his mother and father talk. As the pain ebbed away, it was replaced
by a new awareness that showed every minute detail of his world with piercing
clarity. It was time to leave. That had been his first thought. He had shown
that he possessed savage, terrifying power and the pack would feel threatened.
That was another immediate realisation. What he could do with the power of the
Other-Self! The thought had almost tempted him to challenge his own father.
He didn't want that, though. He didn't want to lead a pack, he wanted to leave
the pack and start working out his own way of living with the Other-Self. One
day he would be able to fully control it without the pain and violent battles.
He was right out on the borders of pack territory when there was a sudden rustle
that made Fayn-Tharal spin around alertly. Behind him stood a small wolf, just
staring at him. He recognised his little sister, Ven.
"What are you doing all the way out here, Ven?" He chided her gently,
knowing you couldn't use harsh words on kind, quiet Ven without crushing her
fragile soul.
"I wanted to see where you were going." She said in her usual solemn
voice.
Fayn-Tharal sighed, knowing it was a lie. She had been waiting for him. She
knew where he was going. "You shouldn't be out here. I thought Father had
forbidden you to come to the boundaries."
"He forbid you, too. Besides, what he does not know will not hurt him."
Fayn smiled despite himself. Dear Ven, who everyone thought was a timid runt
without two brain cells to knock together. Only he knew the scheming rebel underneath
her shy disguise.
"You weren't going to leave without saying goodbye to me, were you, Fayn?"
"How did you know I would come this way?" He asked, delighted that
she had anyway and letting her know by nuzzling her ear affectionately.
"It wasn't so hard. I had more trouble finding a way to get here before
you."
"I suppose you had to decide which of your many secret paths would be the
quickest." Fayn-Tharal joked, knowing that she spent the majority of her
time exploring forgotten ways through the forest.
"Something like that." Ven mumbled vaguely, "I wish I could go
with you, Fayn."
"I know, Ven. Don't worry, though, you'll be safe and secure in the pack."
"It won't be as good without you and your Other-Self about to liven things
up. Will you come and visit?"
"I don't know."
"Fayn?"
"Yes?"
"You will be careful, won't you? You're not just going to let the Other-Self
take over are you?"
"No, Ven, I'll be careful, and I'll keep the Other-Self in its place."
"Goodbye, Fayn-Tharal. One day, I'll come and find you."
"Bye, Ven, take care."
Tasa-Ru was beside himself.
"Why didn't he warn us before he left?" He cried, pacing around under
the rock overhang they had chosen as shelter when it had begun to rain.
"He probably did not want you to try to stop him." Bellonna said,
drawing on all her calming abilities in Tasa's hour of need.
"Where will he go? How will he survive?" It was by no means the first
time he had asked these questions.
"I shouldn't worry about him, Father," Ven said, speaking unusually
boldly for her all of a sudden, "He can look after himself."
"How do you know?" Tasa-Ru demanded once he had gotten over the shock
of having Ven address him of her own will.
Ven shrugged. "He is not as helpless as you imagine him to be. He knew
what he was doing when he left."
Tasa-Ru's eyes suddenly narrowed suspiciously. "You knew!" He accused,
"You knew he was going to leave today but you said nothing!"
"Now, Tasa, you know that's unreasonable - " Bellonna started, but
Ven cut her off.
"I didn't know he would leave today, but we all knew he would leave someday.
He is fine and he will remain so."
"Have you spoken to him?"
"How could I have?" Ven lied
"I don't know, but I'm starting to wonder about you, Runt-of-my-litter."
"That is all I am, Father. You knew Fayn-Tharal would leave, now honour
his decision and his adulthood by accepting that he has gone."
Tasa-Ru stood on the bluff he knew had been one of Fayn-Tharal's favourite
places and howled long and loud. Many wolves answered - wolves from his own
pack and wolves from other packs - but none of them were Fayn-Tharal. Fayn-Tharal
was gone.